The Secret of Bleak Falls Barrow

Other than a couple of groups of bats that fluttered by ominously, nothing attacked them within and no traps were apparent. Nevertheless, Slutcat and Sworddog approached cautiously.

As she neared the raised platform that was obviously the center of attention in the wide open room, Slutcat was attracted by an inscription upon the wall towards the back that seemed to glow with an inner light.

“Slutcat? Slutcat be careful. That looks… odd,” Sworddog warned behind her, but she found she couldn’t help herself anyway. Something flowed out of the word inscribed there in odd letters and seemed to flow right into her mind directly.

“Slutcat? Are you alright?” Sworddog asked, growing alarmed at her lack of response.

The world grew blurry for her and Sworddog’s voice was almost inaudible as she approached the wall. She could not understand what was happening, but she did sense that, whatever it was, it was not doing her any harm. She was learning… something.

And then it was over. She had learned a Word of Power – whatever that meant. Sworddog was barking at her.

“Calm down Sworddog. I’m alright. I learned something. A Word of Power,” Slutcat said, calming the dog.

“You sure you’re alright? Everything went dark for a second and I saw something sort of flow into you.”

Slutcat nodded, “Yeah. Something. I know something now that I didn’t know before. But what it is, I can’t say. A word. Sort of a word anyway.”

Sworddog looked at her worriedly. “You know that makes no sense, right?”

“It does to me! Oh well, whatever it was, it’s passed now. At least there was no Level Boss. Now let’s get the goodies and get out of here!”

As if on cue, a stone moved aside from a sarcophagus on the platform and something began to climb out.

“You had to say it…” Sworddog lamented belatedly.

Slutcat readied her Sparks and decided not to wait for the thing to attack. Instead she walked straight for it.

“Come on Sworddog. Let’s see what we’re in for,” she said and stopped at the foot of the steps leading up to where the thing was climbing out of its coffin.

The battle itself, though extended, was really rather routine. Slutcat would throw her sparks at the thing, then back away before it could get too close with it’s huge two-handed sword. As it tried to close with her again, Sworddog would race by behind it and nip at it’s legs, but she was off again before it could pivot and bring the sword to bear on the canine. During that time Slutcat would again resume her spark attack. It took a while, but the thing was dumb and didn’t change it’s tactics.

Had her magic not ran out, there would have been no problem at all. But briefly she was unable to summon her sparks. She tried the Flame spell but it too failed.

“Try the blue potion!” Sworddog suggested, attracting the monster’s attention away from her.

She downed the potion and felt her magic restored partially. She had two more and she downed them as well. That brought her nearly back to full potential and she lit into the dead thing once again. Finally they finished it off. Other than being tired, neither was physically harmed.

Slutcat collapsed into a heap. “Whew! That was a workout!” she said between breaths.

“I’ll say, though I think we did pretty well. That thing was stronger than the rest, but no smarter,” Sworddog agreed.

Slutcat clambered back to her feet and looked through the monster’s inventory, but found only a weird tablet stone, but she stored it in her inventory anyway. Then she opened the big treasure chest. Inside she found some unusual weapons, gold and an interesting staff, but she was somewhat disappointed that none was going to make them rich.

“I suspect that ‘word’ you learned was the real treasure,” Sworddog suggested.

Slutcat sat atop the treasure chest, dejected. “Sure! And I have no idea what to do with it. Dammit this wasn’t worth the effort.”

“Well, let’s head back and get that claw back to Riverwood. That’ll get us some more money.”

“Yeah, I guess. Let’s see what’s up these stairs and then we’ll go,” Slutcat said as she climbed off the chest and headed up the stairs to the left of the main dais.

At the top of the stairs was a weird handle that Slutcat turned, which opened a secret door and the tunnel beyond.

“This will be the fast way out, so we don’t get bored backtracking all the way,” Sworddog said, turning to the camera, but Slutcat wasn’t in the mood for talking.

Finally the tunnel brightened and they saw that the exit out of the Barrow finally lay just ahead, and with the light Slutcat’s spirits rose.

They emerged into full daylight, near a pinnacle and the view was unequivocally gorgeous.

“Oh Sworddog,” Slutcat said, spreading her arms out wide and enjoying the sunlight. “It’s good to be alive! Isn’t this a glorious view?!”

“Slutcat, I may be a bitch, but I too appreciate the beauty of this place. And, I suppose, in a purely monkey sort of way, you are pretty too.”

Slutcat laughed. “Why yes. Yes I am. Good of you to notice!”

“And now… I really have to pee and this looks like a wonderful place for a waterfall!”

The dog laughed, “Sometimes you act more like a male dog than a female Khajiit, Slutcat!”

Author’s note – I PROMISE I don’t have a urine obsession! But whenever I put Slutcat in a scene, I think, “what would Slutcat do here?”. And this was so obvious, that I had to do it. And no, I didn’t do any post processing here, so no need to try and zoom in. Nothing to see here. Move along… Tsk Tsk Tsk.

The Golden Claw

Surprisingly, Slutcat got through without a scratch and there was indeed a chain mechanism on the far side that stopped the blades. However, try as she might, Sworddog was unable to discern any magical forces involved.

“Maybe they’re just really, really efficient?” Slutcat offered.

“Not likely with all of this dust around, and with technology of stone and metal. I’ve not even seen evidence of the use of anything like grease. No, it must be magical. It had better be!”

“Better be? Why?” Slutcat asked as they explored deeper into the Barrow.

“Because we rely on physics, Slutcat. Magic can do pretty much anything, but it’s a localized effect. But physics is universal. If physics breaks down, we could be sailing off into space at any minute!”

“I think we’re safe from that, Sworddog.”

“Wait. Do you smell that?” Sworddog stopped, sniffing the air.

“I think so. Kind of like gasoline?”

“Kerosene I’d say, or something similar. More stable than gasoline, but still flammable.”

“Is it bad to breathe?” Slutcat asked, noticing the scent – not overpowering but getting stronger.

“Not yet, I don’t think.”

“Shhh… there’s another one at the end of the next turn. But look at the floor. That’s got to be the kerosene,” Slutcat said, crawling to peer around the corner.

“Hey, I’ve got an idea…”

“What?”

“When I got this Spark spell, I noticed another that seems to be related to fire I think I could use.”

“Oh really! You thinking of setting off the kerosene and fry that beef jerky?”

“That’s exactly what I’m thinking.”

“Go for it, but be careful.”

Slutcat shifted her mind and two fireballs appeared at her hands. The beef jerky hadn’t stirred yet.

She crept a bit closer, then she saw the undead thing begin to move and raise it’s sword. She cast her flame spell at the floor and the hall light up like a bonfire. An overhead jug of the liquid burst in an explosion but the thing kept coming so she directed her flames directly at it rather than the floor.

Then Sworddog leaped into the flames in front of her unexpectedly. She doused her spell as quickly as possible, but not before the dog was enveloped in accidental flame.

“SWORDDOG! GET BACK!” she cried, though it was clearly too late.

The undead thing staggered and fell before Sworddog even reached it, but the flames died out quickly and Slutcat ran to the end of the hall where Sworddog was whimpering.

“Here, drink this,” Slutcat said, offering a health potion. She wasn’t sure if it would work for burns, but it was all she had to work with. Fortunately the dog was good as new in an instant, though they had only one vial of health potion left.

“Sworddog, are you okay? I’m sorry, I didn’t see you coming!”

“Hurt like a bitch, but I’m okay now. Say, maybe…”

“Don’t worry, no more flames. Sparks will have to do.” Slutcat agreed.

“And I promise I won’t jump in front of you without warning again. It hurts to burn!”

They continued on, finding more treasure and a hidden passage or two, but nothing really significant and the passageways always led back to the same main path. Finally they came a large, low hallway with an odd circular doorway on the far side. Slutcat approached cautiously.

An hour later, they were still there, flummoxed.

“Okay,” Sworddog said, sitting on her haunches. “What do we know?”

Slutcat sat rather ungracefully at the foot of the door. “The claw fits the holes perfectly, and I can turn it a little, so that must be the way it opens…”

“And the three circulular rings move…” Sworddog added.

“And there are three symbols on each. You’re the math wiz. How many combinations does that make? 9?” Slutcat guessed.

Sworddog corrected her. “Twenty seven. It’s not 3*3. It’s 3*3*3.”

“So we could brute force it. There are no traps set off if we get it wrong. But those things are damned hard to turn. Surely there’s a better way.”

Sworddog sighed, “The last place had symbols on the walls, but I don’t see anything here.”

“Neither do I. There’s got to be something though.”

“What about on the claw itself?” the dog offered.

“On the claw? Well yes, I suppose there might be. Let me check, though I’ll have to turn on the UI…”

They both looked at the camera.

“Don’t look,” Slutcat said to the audience. “This will break your immersion.” Then she turned on the UI and looked at the claw.

“That it! The Spider, Venus Butterfly, Horny Owl!” Slutcat cried, turning off the UI.

“That’s not a spider, that’s a…” Sworddog started, then stopped mid-sentence. Obviously Slutcat’s brain had cross wired the images. This would not be a good time to fix that. “Er… I mean, are those animals or sex positions?”

“Yes,” Slutcat said and got to work on moving the rings. Soon all were in place.

“I swear you bipeds have more sex positions than stars in the sky. No wonder you’re so obsessed.”

“Ready?” the Khajiit asked, ignoring Sworddog’s jibe as she finished the last ring and prepared to slide the Claw back in place.

“Always ready! Turn away!”

Suddenly the rings began to rotate on their own and the very rock under their feet began to shake. Then, slowly at first and with a fierce cloud of dust, the door slid downwards. It came to a shuddering stop and the world was silent again.

“Well, I guess this is it Sworddog. If we’re going to have to live in this god-forsaken age, I guess we’re going to have to learn how to handle situations like this. No doubt there’s a ‘Level Boss’ somewhere just ahead. There always is. I’m not sure if we’re up to it or not. But we’re going to try. If something goes wrong, I just want you to know that I forgive you for what happened with the WABAC machine. And I’ve never had a better time,” Slutcat said to her companion.

“That’s… very nice of you to say Slutcat. Very nice indeed. I’m sorry about all this, but at least we’re in this boat together. I’d rather not die down here though, so let’s not start eulogizing yet. But you should know I feel the same about you. Even if you are the horniest cat I’ve ever met.”

“Thank you Sworddog.”

“It is my pleasure Slutcat.”

And with that they crossed over the threshold and up the steps beyond.

The Walking Beef Jerky

“Okay. You’re a scientist, right?” Slutcat said to Sworddog, sitting beside one of the formerly animated dead corpses.

“Well, I used to be anyway. Yes.”

“Right. Well, please can you explain to me how a desiccated corpse like this can possibly move?”

“Um… magic?”

“Well yeah, certainly magic. I didn’t miss the glowing blue eyes. But really, feel this thing! It’s like beef jerky. Can you reanimate beef jerky?”

“Well, not me, no… but Slutcat, this is a world where you can hurl lightning like it’s natural. Allowances must be made.”

“Fucking beef jerky people. This place is nuts. No wonder Ralof looked at me funny.”

“There’s probably going to be worse than this too you know.”

“Yeah but, if you’re just going to say ‘Magic’ at everything, are there magic walking trees? Will the clouds come down and attack us? I mean, where’s the limit? You’re the scientist, tell me, exactly where is the limit?!?”

“Slutcat, I of all people understand your concern. But we can’t live by our old rules. This place obviously has it’s own set of rules and we’re going to have to play by them.”

Slutcat sat and looked at the thing beside her.

“Yeah, I guess… Sworddog, if I die here, would you incinerate my body? I don’t think I’d want to become one of these things.”

“Ooo! Do you think there are zombie dogs too?”

“You’re asking me?! I don’t think there should be zombie anythings. But yeah, I guess so. Probably, right?”

“Probably. And zombie squirrels.”

“Zombie minnows.”

“Zombie paramecium.”

Slutcat laughed, the sound echoing off the empty chambers. “Zombie paramecium! What would they do?”

Sworddog laughed along with her. It was a good sound in the lonely Barrow. “Probably the same thing as regular paramecium. There comes a point that there’s really not much difference.”

“Alright, alright,” Slutcat said, standing back up. Let’s get going and find this Arvel guy. He needs to assume room temperature. And watch out for dead parameciums.“

"Paramecia. Plural latin conjugation.”

“Oh, now you’re going to get pedantic with me? Don’t step on that obvious trap by the way. Good thing there’s only one path here or we’d have to actually worry about which way he went!”

Sworddog stepped around the terribly obvious pressure plate and followed her friend.

As they proceeded yet further into the Barrow, they ran across a few more of the Unlikely Dead. But now that they were watching for them, they were no more than a nuisance. But Sworddog was the first to pick up on an odd swooshing sound. Before long Slutcat heard it too. Then they turned a corner and saw a hallway in front of them. Three huge, deadly swinging blades were constantly in motion down the hallway and the body of Arvel the Swift lay in front of the first one.

“Not Swift enough it appears,” Sworddog noted.

“Dammit I wanted to kill him! Well, let’s see what he’s got on him,” Slutcat complained, then began rummaging through the pockets of the dead Arvel.

“Whoa! What have we here?” Slutcat said, drawing a heavy metallic object from the dead man’s pack. “I do believe this is the Golden Claw we’ve been looking for!”

“You found it? That’s wonderful! Now we can get out of here,” Sworddog barked.

“Hold on a second. There’s some sort of journal here. Let me read it…”

Slutcat sat and read the journal before looking up at Sworddog.

“It says this Claw is some sort of key to a door. Obviously Arvel thought it was quite a big deal. What do you think, do you want to continue on and see what it’s all about? We’ve not really seen too much we can’t handle down here, and he did mention treasure…”

But Sworddog wasn’t paying much attention. She was watching the blades continue to swoop back and forth. “Slutcat… what do you know about Perpetual Motion machines?”

“What?” said the Khajiit, then she followed the dog’s gaze. “All I know is that they are impossible.”

“Apparently not here!”

“Wait, this bothers you more than the Walking Beef Jerky?”

“Yes, Slutcat. Yes it does. I can see no lessening of the arc at all here. And other than the sound of the blades through the air, no evidence of any motivating energy either. Even if only slight, those blades should be slowing down. I would very much like to investigate this.”

“Well alright then. Onward we go!” Slutcat declared.

“Great. So… how do you propose we get through those?”

“Well, there’s more than enough room between each. If I time it right I can just step past each in order.”

“Fine for you – but I’ve got a tail to think about! If you recall that sword incident, I’ve already got it bandaged. I’d prefer to keep it in one piece.”

“Well, I’ll get through and see if there’s a way to stop it. Then you can come through. Sound good?”

Anger Management Issues

“Help me out of here!” called a stranger’s voice.

Slutcat turned around, trying to place where it had come from. Then she noticed a man in a deep mass of cobwebs just behind the bear.

“I’m sorry,” she said. “Were you talking to me?”

“You, over here!” the voice repeated. “Don’t leave me for Arkay’s sake!”

She casually strolled over to the man.

“I don’t know… what do you think Sworddog? I mean, we’ve not met a single person for the last day who didn’t want to kill us!”

“Well there was that guy who pulled the lever.”

“Yeah – but most likely he would have attacked us if he knew we were there.”

“Good point. Maybe we should just kill this guy too and see what he’s got?”

“Probably. He’s just another bandit after all. He just happens to need our help.”

“What’s your name anyway?” the Khajiit asked the man stuck in the web.

“Arvel the Swift. See, it says it right down there…”

“Yeah yeah yeah. Okay,” She relented, drawing an odd dagger from her inventory that she’d found on one of the dead bandits with the hilt of a naked woman on it.

“But I warn you, no funny business or Mabel here may cut more than just spider webs. We killed that giant bear and we can kill you too.”

“Giant… bear?”

Sworddog growled. “Shut your mouth if you know what’s good for you.”

“Well I can’t just let him hang there Sworddog. He talked to me!”

“Alright, but make sure to take any weapons off him first. He might attack the second you free him.”

“Good thinking…” Slutcat said, then after determining that he had no weapons, she cut Arvel from the webbing.

“Why should I share the treasure with anybody?!” he shouted and ran further into the depths.

Slutcat looked at Sworddog. “Treasure?”

Then Slutcat got angry. “Goddammit Sworddog, you do someone a favor and they cut you right out of their treasure. Well I’m tired of it. I’m going to kill that damned guy, just for being an ungrateful asshole. This is going too far.”

They continued further down into the Barrow, but they did not run. They stalked. Sworddog was just a little worried about Slutcat though. She didn’t act like this often, and the dog wondered if maybe her hypnosis might have had something to do with it. But there was no stopping Slutcat once she got her back up so she just followed dutifully. They entered one room with another soul gem prominently displayed, but Slutcat nearly stalked right past it till Sworddog pointed it out.

“Hey! Slutcat. There’s another one of those gems. Aren’t you going to take it?” she pointed out.

“Huh? Oh! Oh sorry Sworddog. Certainly! This one is even bigger than the last! Thanks!”

“Slutcat, are you okay? I know you’re pissed at that Arvel guy, but it’s not like you to miss a bauble like this.”

“I know. I’m sorry Sworddog. This place is just getting to me. All the killing and everything, then I probably save this guy’s life and he runs off. It just pisses me off.”

“Well, okay. Just… keep your wits about you, okay?”

“I will. Thanks. But I’m going to kill this guy, I swear.”

Finally they began to pass actual corpses. They were just getting to an obvious trap when two of those bodies crawled out from their alcoves and attacked. Sworddog wasted no time and began fighting back but Slutcat simply refused.

“No. No no no. That makes no sense. That makes no sense at all. Dead bodies can’t move. It’s inherent in the concept. Even I know that.” she said while Sworddog was under attack from both sides.

“Could use a little help here!” she pleaded.

“Oh, alright but we need to have a serious discussion when this is over,” Slutcat said, pulling out her Sparks.

Your Greatest Bear

The dog licked her face and Slutcat recovered somewhat.

“Okay, okay. Get off my face!” she said, pushing the dog away.

“You know, we don’t have to be adventurers! We can go back to Riverwood. I can get a job working with the blacksmith! There’s no rule that says people from the future can’t just live normal lives you know!”

Sworddog just sat and looked at her before she replied.

“Hypnotism.”

“What?”

“Hypnotism. Before I started studying quantum mechanics back home when I was a pup I dabbled with, shall we say, less SCIENTIFIC methods. I became quite skilled at hypnotism. Let’s give that a try before we settle down to live lives of quiet desperation, okay?”

“Well, you can try. But I can’t be hypnotized. I think I’m immune,” Slutcat said.

Sworddog snorted, but turned around, her tail to the cat.

“Just watch the tip of my tail,” she said. “You’re getting sleepy…”

“It won’t work I tell you… watching your ass wiggle. What kind of hypnotism method is that anyway?”

“The tail, Slutcat. Watch my tail. Besides, what do you think I’ve been doing every minute we’ve been here behind you!”

“Yeah, but my ass looks sweeeeet. Your’s looks like a dog’s ass.”

“You’re getting sleepy…”

“…nasty ass tail…”

“Sleepy…”

And then she was out…

“Now, Slutcat. In a minute I’m going to bark. When I do, you’ll be just like yourself again. However, you won’t see any spiders. ANY spiders.”

“No spiders…”

“No. You’ll see… bears. Whenever you think you see a spider, you’ll see a bear instead.”

“Bear. No spiders…”

“That’s right. Bears are dangerous too, so you’ll still have to fight them. But they won’t be spiders. They’ll be bears.”

“Bear. No spiders…” Slutcat repeated.

And then Sworddog barked.

“Slutcat? How are you feeling?”

“Never better! What are we waiting for? Let’s go find that claw!”

Sworddog barked his approval and they were back down the trail. From experience, Sworddog knew it was best not to ask too many questions. Let Slutcat’s brain make the proper connections in it’s own time.

And then they were back. The spider had returned to it’s lair high above when they reentered, but when it dropped down this time, Slutcat saw it in a whole new light. With her help and both working together, they were able to take it down quickly. However, Sworddog was somewhat worried when Slutcat walked up to the spider and started stroking it’s fur…

“Poor thing. Too bad they’re so aggressive. Their fur is so soft and warm. I wish I could keep one as a pet…”

Sworddog was becoming uncomfortable herself. "Um… Slutcat… Maybe we’d better move on, don’t you think.“

"Do you think we should skin it? Take it’s pelt?”

“I… don’t think it’s pelt would be worth much Slutcat.”

“But it’s so soft and fluffy!”

When the khajiit knelt down beside the dead spider and gave it a tender hug, Sworddog had had enough. “Slutcat. That’s enough. Let’s go. I insist.”

“Well, okaaaay….”

Your Greatest Fear

Just a few steps further into the Barrow, Slutcat came upon an odd crystal that seemed to be glowing from within.

“Sworddog, what do you make of this?” she asked, not quite sure if she should touch it or not.

“Slutcat, you are by nature attracted to shiny things. This looks like it’s custom made to be a trap for you.”

“I don’t care, I’m taking it,” she decided and boldy snatched the crystal and put it into her inventory. When nothing happened she sneered back at Sworddog.

“There, see! What do you think it is?”

“It’s a lesser soul gem,” Sworddog stated with authority.

“Oh! How do you know that?”

“It says it on the label.”

“Oh. Well what’s that do then?”

“Not a clue. Let’s go on.”

Next they came upon an odd spiral wooden staircase leading down. Slutcat crawled to the edge to see what was below and how far down it went.

“They really need to learn the concept of the hand rail here,” she said as she peered down. “It goes pretty far down.”

“I think you’re afraid of heights.”

“I’m not afraid of heights. I’m afraid of far away floors,” Slutcat said, but then her ears pricked up and she shushed Sworddog. “Shh! Do you hear that?”

“Slutcat, I can hear your heartbeat. To what sound do you refer?” Sworddog asked softly.

Slutcat crawled back to the edge to listen. “Something’s down there. Something… scruffling.”

“Scruffling?”

“Well, I don’t know how to describe it!”

“Rats.”

“You think?”

“Sounds like it. Big ones. Better get your spell ready again.”

“HOLY SHIT! Those are some big-ass rats!” Slutcat screamed when three came up the stairs at them.

“They are certainly rodents of unusual size, and aggressive too!,” Sworddog agreed after Slutcat had taken care of them. “Sorry I couldn’t help more. I was stuck behind you. Have you been bit? They could be poisonous.”

“No. Eww. I don’t even want to think what they must eat down here,” Slutcat winced as she stepped over the bodies.

“Nor I. Let’s just not think about that.”

“Uh oh…” Slutcat said, standing at the door at the bottom of the staircase.

“Now Slutcat. Just because there’s some cobwebs doesn’t imply the presence of giant spiders.”

Sworddog amended as she stepped closer into the next room, “Necessarily…”

They crept into the room, both darting glances to all the corners, though they saw no actual spiders – not even the little kind.

“Oh!” Slutcat said, cheering up. “There’s something behind these cobwebs…”

Sure enough a large chest was hidden behind a mass of cobwebs. Within was some gold and another small blue potion. Slutcat stuffed them into her inventory.

And then they saw it. Descending abnormally quickly from a recess in the roof far above, the Mother of all giant spiders.

“Oh my! That thing’s so big it probably has a name!” Sworddog said, momentarily stunned herself by the sheer size of the beast.

But it’s size belied its speed and before she knew it Sworddog was dodging between it’s claws and fangs, unable to get so much as a bite in without being skewered by it’s nasty prongs. Then she realized that Slutcat was nowhere to be seen. She feigned a move one way and then ran as fast as she could back the way they’d come. Behind her she saw the spider apparently unable to get through the door and she breathed a sigh of relief.

“Slutcat? Slutcat?” she called, ignoring the skittering and scraping from behind her as the monster tried to squeeze it’s body through the door in vain.

Sworddog backtracked all the way to the stairs before he found her huddled underneath them and shivering.

“Slutcat? Slutcat, I can’t take on that thing alone. I need your help!”

The Khajiit turned to face the dog as best she could, trembling in every muscle. As she spoke, her teeth actually chattered.

“Sworddog… I… You don’t understand. It’s all I can do to keep from committing suicide, knowing that I live in a universe where that thing can exist.”

Author’s Note: You can go here to read the next. They kinda go together but it was too long for a single post:

https://slutcatandsworddog.tumblr.com/private/167091038008/tumblr_oyus5pWLsu1wendcx

I’ll post it normally later.

The Great Barrow Architects

Fortunately the spiderwebs lightened up, and then Slutcat made a discovery.

“HEY! There’s gold in this urn! Quick! Look in every urn around!”

“Slutcat, that’s going to take forever. Let’s just find this golden claw thing and get out, okay?”

“Well… I might spot check a few more anyway…” she said, not wanting to leave gold laying around behind them.

“SHHH!” Sworddog hissed. “Do you hear that? There’s someone up ahead.”

“But you said… the cobwebs!”

“Very very industrious spiders I guess?”

Slutcat and Sworddog crept silently towards an open door where a man was talking to himself, yet as they approached the doorway, he seemed to make a decision and pulled a large lever situated squarely in the middle of the room ahead.

“What’s he doing?” whispered Slutcat.

“I think he’s trying to open that gate beyond,” Sworddog whispered back.

Suddenly the sound of arrows filled the room ahead and the man was dead.

“Okaaaay. Let’s not pull any levers we don’t know about,” Slutcat decided, staring at the body of the man just ahead.

“Well, there’s got to be some way to get that gate open.”

“But my inverse-proportionality armor doesn’t stop arrows.”

“Maybe we can disarm the trap somehow…” Sworddog mused as he and Slutcat looked around the room.

“What’s up there?” Slutcat said, noticing some stairs that led up to a balcony of sorts.

“A lot of nothing,” Sworddog sniffed.

“Hold on a minute… these carvings. They’re like those little dildos downstairs.”

“Right? And your point is?”

“Well… I don’t know. Let me think…”

“So,” Slutcat mused, “Upstairs there are three carvings. Tentacle, Tentacle, Slippery Eel.”

“I only saw two upstairs. A snake and a fish.”

“But one has fallen down. See, this would have been a Tentacle when it was up there.”

“Why do you call it a Tentacle? It’s obviously a snake.”

“Tentacle. And that’s a Slippery Eel. You see what you want, I’ll see what I want.”

She stood up and walked over to one of the little pillar things.

“And here we have three more… OH! Hey! It turns!”

“Now that’s interesting. Say… you don’t suppose…”

Slutcat sat back down. “No. It can’t be that simple. Someone with the technology to create such a complex trap system wouldn’t do all that then paste the combination to the lock in bold statues right overhead. No, we must still be missing something.”

Minutes went by, but neither had any new ideas. Finally, Slutcat stood up, stretched her legs and began turning the pillars till they matched the statues overhead.

“Well hell. I don’t have any other ideas!” she said.

“To be honest, that dead guy did just stand there after he pulled the lever. Let’s run away as soon as we pull it how about? I doubt the trap arrows can follow us around the room after all!”

“That,” Sworddog agreed, “is a very good idea.”

Slutcat positioned herself ready pull the lever and run.

“Ready?” she asked the dog.

“Ready!” barked Sworddog.

The gate in front of them rolled up as they raced to get out of the way of arrows that never came.

“We did it!” Slutcat laughed, then turned back to the door behind them and looked at the dead man. She sat beside the big dog.

“Are you thinking what I’m thinking?” Sworddog asked.

“Probably. I’m thinking there are a lot of really stupid people here, including the people who built this place.”

“Yes, and those stupid people are getting fewer every day,” Sworddog agreed.

Into the Barrow

Slutcat and Sworddog moved to the left, creeping towards the lofty Barrow.

“I only see two. I suppose we ought to introduce ourselves,” Slutcat suggested.

“Oh, like that bandit up in the tower introduced himself? Slutcat, you know what we need to do here.”

She sighed, resigned that this world was going to force her to become a killer. At least she was a pretty good one now.

“Nothing like learning the insignificance of life to get one’s blood pumping. Well, let’s go for it. You go for the archer and I’ll take down the big green dude with the nasty hammer.”

The two actually made a pretty good team. Sworddog was fast enough to get upon the archer quickly while Slutcat was able to take out the big Orsimer by just hanging on her Spark spell while backing away. There was a brief moment of panic when her magic sputtered out, but she was also able to outrun pretty much anything and by that time Sworddog was back to help out from behind. Another archer appeared surprisingly, but by that time she’d recovered her magical reserves and the two made short work of the last bandit.

“Anything on that one?” Slutcat asked while rummaging through one corpse.

“Nothing much. No golden claw,” Sworddog replied, trotting back over to her.

“If everybody weren’t so goddamned bloodthirsty around here there’d be a lot less death.”

“Well, they are bandits,” Sworddog pointed out.

“Yeah, but why do they have to attack everybody? I mean, it’s not like I have some sort of Badge of Law Enforcement on or anything!”

“How about this,” suggested the dog, “Next time you walk up to them and ask them nicely if you can join their group? I’m sure that will go well.”

“I get the point. Oh! You’re hurt! Want some healing potion?”

“Maybe just a sip. I have a feeling that stuff isn’t easy to come by around here.”

“Probably not. You know, some people would think it’s unsanitary to drink from the same bottle as a dog.”

“I agree. I know what you put in your mouth!”

“Cute.”

The too stood and looked at the main entrance of the Barrow.

“Let’s go in quietly. These were likely just the lookouts,” Sworddog said.

“You know, they kinda suck as lookouts. Isn’t the point to tell the others when trouble comes? These guys just… died.”

Sworddog looked back at the bodies. “Well, yeah, they are kinda dumb.”

“Whoa!” Slutcat said as she looked at the huge door to the Barrow. “What huge…”

“DON’T SAY IT! Don’t! I swear if you say ‘knockers’ I’m going to leave you right here and now Slutcat. I mean it!”

“Jeeze! Alright, alright. Just be quiet.”

The space they entered into was huge, but dark and lit by a fire at the far side. Some figures were seen near the fire but they didn’t notice the two interlopers enter.

“Say, I think I’ll try this bow and arrow. Maybe we can even the odds a bit before we’re seen,” Slutcat whispered.

“Good idea. Stealth archer. I bet nobody ever thought of being a stealth archer before,” Sworddog whispered back, sarcasm dripping.

Slutcat pulled out an arrow and pulled back on the drawstring. She may have managed to bend the string over an inch, but just barely. She let the arrow fly.
It skittered to the floor all of three feet in front of them, not even drawing any attention from the bandits by the fire.

“So much for the stealth archer idea,” Sworddog said while Slutcat stowed the bow and arrows back into her inventory.

Her hands were soon filled with the blue glow of her spark spell. “I know, I know. No upper body strength. Let’s go.”

They listened to the bandits talk for a bit while they crept closer. Finally they attacked and the battle, such as it was, was over in no time.

“Hey! Check it out!” Slutcat said as she played with the body of one of the bandits.

“Oh, that’s just morbid. Did you have to undress her first?”

“Heheh. Look! She’s guarding the treasure!”

“Just see if the claw is in there and let’s go,” Sworddog complained while Slutcat tried different poses on the corpse.

“Oh jeeze! You pervert!”

“Hey! I’m not a pervert. I’m a slut. There’s a difference!” Slutcat explained, then got to the task of unlocking the chest under the corpse.

“Nothing much. I guess we’ll have to go further in,” Slutcat said, standing up and looking around.

“Like you expected anything different?” Sworddog asked her partner.

“No. Not really. Let’s go quietly.”

“Of course. Place sort of screams ‘quiet’ anyway.”

As they descended deeper into the Barrow, the cobwebs became more numerous until they reached a place where the cobwebs were literally from wall to wall.

“Oh, I don’t like this…” Slutcat said, crawling along nervously.

“Say, did you see any other path OTHER than this one?” Sworddog asked her.

“Well, no. Why?”

“Because no one could pass this way without breaking these webs. So in theory at least, there’s nobody in front of us! Are you alright?”

“As long as there’s none of those giant spiders, I’m okay,” Slutcat laughed weakly.

Quest Begins

“I just want to thank you for helping us, Ralof. We’ll miss you,” said Slutcat after they’d risen.

“Keep working on those spells, Slutcat. We could use a good mage in the Stormcloaks. All I ask is that you consider joining us at Windhelm. But even if not, it’s been quite an experience. I don’t think I’ve ever met a khajiit like you.”

Slutcat reached up and gave the big Stormcloak a hug and kiss, before she watched him leave the house.

“Well, I guess it’s just you and me again, Sworddog,” she said, a little sadly.

“What’s this ‘we’? I’m going with Ralof!” Sworddog replied and started heading for the door.

Slutcat grabbed her by the tail. “HEY! You can’t leave me!”

The dog chuckled. “Just kidding. I can’t open doors.”

“Before we go, how about we look around town a little bit? Maybe visit that shop we saw earlier?” Slutcat suggested.

“Sure! You might want to visit that blacksmith too. You may learn something.”

The blacksmith’s eyes grew wide when he saw the buxom khajiit approach.

“Hi stud. So, you make armor and stuff around here?”

“Er… yes! I’m the local blacksmith. What can I do for you? Perhaps some armor? A pair of pants? Some underwear even?”

“Oh, no. I’m good. But I thought it might be a good idea to learn how to make things. Maybe I can help you or something in return?”

“Sure! Here, here’s some iron. Try your hand at the forge and see if you can turn this into a dagger…”

She spent an hour with the blacksmith, learning the basics of how to work the forge and other tools.

“He was kind of nice, wasn’t he?” Slutcat asked her companion as she stepped down into the street.

“I’ll say! I guess not everyone around here is a bloodthirsty asshole.”

“He even let me keep the dagger!”

Suddenly an aged voice from across the street called out to her, “Gonna get cold tonight. Might want to cover your delicates.”

Slutcat turned and walked over to where an old lady was standing on her patio, working a tanning rack. “Why does everyone say that?” she asked the old lady. “I’ll have you know my delicates are just fine as they are! And who’s this ‘Ysmir’ and what is it about his beard anyway?”

The lady stood and looked at her. “You’re not from around here, are you khajiit?”

Slutcat frowned and looked down at herself, back to the old lady, then back down at herself again. “What gave it away? I bet it was the tail.”

“Don’t get sassy with me, young lass! You and your big perky tits. Just take it from me, the day will come when you’ll wish you’d worn something to hold those things up!”

“Well, I appreciate your concern. But me and my big perky tits are doing just fine. And if I ever find this ‘Ysmir’, I’ll be sure to cover my delicates with his beard.”

The old lady laughed at that. “Oh you’re a frisky cat! But Ysmir is just a name for some old king. It’s a title of sorts. Though I hear Jarl Balgruuf has a pretty impressive… beard. And he’s single too.”

Slutcat’s ears perked up at that. “Oh really? Well it just so happens I’m supposed to go talk to this Jarl Balgruuf fellow. Whiterun right?”, she said to which the old woman nodded. She continued, “But what is a ‘Jarl’? I know it’s not his name because someone mentioned another Jarl to me recently.”

“A Jarl is… well. I guess like a Lord. He is the ruler of Whiterun and the area around it. Including Riverwood.”

“I see. Well thanks ma’am. I’ll let you know if I get him to cover my delicates,” Slutcat laughed and headed off in the direction of the general store.

“Weird word, ‘Jarl’,” she muttered to Sworddog as they walked down the road. “I think that’s the sound you make when some guy blows his load in your mouth.”

“Speak for yourself!” Sworddog said indignantly.

“I cnt,” Slutcat garbled, poking her cheek with her tongue. “Mu mthths’ fuul”.

“Oh you bipeds are DISGUSTING!” Sworddog groaned.

Slutcat was laughing as they entered the store. Within, the shopkeep was in full argument mode with another lady. Apparently someone had broken into his shop and stole some sort of golden talisman in the shape of a claw. She bought a little food but then the owner made her an offer if she could go to Bleak Falls Barrow where he thought the thieves were and get the claw back.

“A quest eh? What do you think Sworddog? Want to go rob some robbers? We could certainly use the gold.”

The dog shrugged as only a dog can. “Sure. Why not? I think we’re pretty good in a fight now that you’ve got your Spark spell. Let’s go for it!”

Slutcat turned back to the shopkeeper and agreed to take on the mission. The lady, Camilla, turned out to be the shopkeeper’s sister and she walked with them to the bridge out of town, explaining how to get to the Barrow. before they left her.

Other than a lone wolf attack, the climb up towards the Barrow was pretty uneventful, but even Sworddog helped her take down the wolf this time.

“I thought you said…” Slutcat began as they continued upwards.

“A bitch. We can kill bitches. Kill ALL the bitches,” Sworddog said, licking the blood from her muzzle.

“Well! You’ve certainly become a bloodthirsty savage since a few days ago.”

“When in Rome…”

“SHHH!” hissed Slutcat, looking towards the camera. “That phrase doesn’t work here!”

Before they got to the Barrow, however, they saw a small tower with a couple of people. Slutcat waved to them, hoping they would let her use their bathroom. But they were having none of it.

“Come no closer.” the woman warned, while her mate said “That’s far enough!” menacingly.

“But, I really have to go! I promise I won’t, like, use all your toilet paper or anything!”

Suddenly the man attacked, but Slutcat was ready for him and had her spark spell out in an instant.

His one blow glanced off her vest as she knew it would and then he was down.

But an arrow flew by too close for comfort and she knew from past experience that arrows seemed to be immune to her inverse-proportionality-armor rule.

However, Sworddog was already on the woman before she could nock another arrow and with her added spark attack, she too was down.

Her body fell over the side of the small bridge leading to the tower and Slutcat looked over the side to verify she was dead. Then she relieved herself from the bridge.

“Oh, that’s harsh,” Sworddog winced.

“Well, she’s dead anyway and I gotta go!”

“But… right THERE?”

Slutcat smiled an evil smile. “When you gotta go…”

Inside the tower Slutcat found a nice little bag of gold and a few more odds and ends she thought might be worth holding onto before she began to climb to higher floors. One door led to an outside ramp of sorts and she felt a strong sense of vertigo as she climbed it.

“Never heard of fucking HANDRAILS here?” she complained to Sworddog.

Once on the higher floor they were surprised by another bandit, but he made the idiotic mistake of announcing his presence rather than using surprise to his advantage. He did land one blow on Sworddog’s armor before the Sparks felled him, but Sworddog refused any healing potion.

“No,” she said as she urinated on the dead body. “I’m fine.”

“Hey, I thought you said…” Slutcat said.

“…you gotta GO!” Sworddog snickered as they climbed the last stair where a large chest awaited them. It wasn’t even locked and Slutcat’s eyes glistened as she opened it. Within, though, there was no Golden Claw, though there was a large amount of gold that she was pleased to store in her magical inventory.

“I guess we have to go to the actual Barrow after all.”

“Looks like it,” said Sworddog as they left the tower and proceeded further up the trail.

The day was getting towards late afternoon as they turned a corner and caught sight of the Barrow.

“Big sucker,” Sworddog noted as they stopped to watch for anyone ahead.

“And kinda scary looking,” Slutcat had to admit. “I think I see some people wandering around too. Think they’ll just let us in?”

“I doubt it,” Sworddog said. “I think I feel the urge to pee again.”

“Me too,” Slutcat said, crouching low and readying her Sparks.

Furry Chastity

The sky was growing brighter as they continued down the path towards Riverwood.

“So, do you have a girlfriend or something?” Slutcat asked Ralof.

“Sort of.”

“Oh, one of those on-again, off-again things?”

“No. We’re pretty serious. But… he’s my boyfriend,” Ralof said. “It’s not exactly something we publicize here in Skyrim.”

“Oh! I see,” Slutcat said, somewhat dejected. “Well, that’s okay. I like you anyway.”

“I appreciate that. I like you too, Slutcat. Friends?”

Slutcat nodded, “Friends. That was a pretty impressive kiss though. Considering.”

“Hey, it’s not like I’m immune or anything. I just like this other guy. A lot.”

“Well alright. I’ll stay out of your pants then if you want me to. But…”

Suddenly two wolves were upon them. Ralof instantly had his axe in hand and was laying into the first, but the other was attacking from behind. Slutcat took a second before remembering she wasn’t helpless and then she had her spark spells in hand and began laying into the second wolf.

Though it took less than a minute before they were both put down, her heartbeat still racing even as they resumed their journey.

“Oh my God! Is it normal to be attacked by wolves like that?”

Ralof nodded. “Yes, though it’s unusual for only a couple to attack. That small a pack usually would leave travelers alone. Be on the lookout for more. Maybe you should keep your spell ready.”

“I will!” she said, taking his arm.

“Did you really have to kill them?” asked a voice behind them. Both turned around to see Sworddog with a forlorn face.

“Sworddog? Well, yes! I mean, they attacked us!” Slutcat pointed out. “Why?”

“I think they just wanted to meet me.”

“Meet you?”

“Well, I’m sort of in heat right now. They were pretty nice looking wolves, didn’t you think?”

Slutcat looked at Ralof who shrugged. “I… suppose.”

“Well, if any more should come around, would you mind terribly not killing them? And maybe leave me and them alone for a while?”

The three continued on their way while Slutcat and Sworddog debated.

“Wait. Wasn’t it you that told me to leave Ralof alone? Aren’t you being hypocritical?” Slutcat asked, feeling a little pissed off.

“Yeah, but you get to fuck all the time! It’s not the same!” Sworddog whined.

“Have you seen me get laid yet? Even once?”

"Not for lack of trying,” Sworddog protested.

Slutcat nodded, “That’s so. Okay, if we see any more, we’ll leave you to ‘em. Unless they attack us. Sound good Ralof?”

“Fine by me! Sworddog can have a doggy orgy as far as I’m concerned!”

“One can only hope,” Sworddog said, snickering. “Thank you Ralof. And Slutcat.”

“You don’t think they’d hurt you do you? I mean, you are a dog, not a wolf,” said Slutcat, a note of concern in her voice.

“And you’re a cat, not a human. But I don’t see you worrying about Ralof. You know your kind, I know mine. I’ll be fine.”

“Well okay, but if you get knocked up, don’t come looking to me to babysit a litter of puppies!”

On the way, Ralof pointed out an odd looking structure atop a ridge on the far side of the river.

“Bleak Falls Barrow. I never understood how my sister could stand living in the shadow of that place. I guess you get used to it.”

“A ‘barrow’? What’s a ‘barrow’?”

“It’s the resting place of the ancient dead. Dreadful place.”

“So, kind of like a graveyard? Yeah, I don’t think I’d like living next to it either. But it’s not like they’re going to attack or anything.”

Ralof gave her an odd look. “Probably not,” he agreed, though Slutcat didn’t get any tone of sarcasm. She passed it off as a local mannerism.

They arrived with the morning sun still low on the horizon, but with it’s rising Slutcat found herself somewhat renewed. They met with Ralof’s sister Gerdur at the lumber mill near the edge of town. Along with Gurder was a man named Hod and a boy named Frodnar. While Gurder was outwardly friendly enough, Slutcat got the distinct impression that she was a little upset with Slutcat’s choice of clothing. For his part, her husband Hod was the opposite and Slutcat was frankly delighted with his surreptitious smiles and stares. She even made sure her vest accidentally flew loose for his benefit a couple of times.

However, before long the need for sleep returned and Slutcaat retired to Gurder’s cabin with Ralof and Sworddog.

“Don’t worry you two,” Gurder said as they entered the cabin. “I’ll keep Frodnar out. You’ll have complete privacy. There’s some oil under the bed if you need it.”

“GURDER!” Ralof cried.

“Well, only if you need it!” she explained loudly, making it clear that the intended audience was actually her husband.

Once inside, Slutcat undressed alongside Ralof and they snuggled together for a little. Annoyingly, Sworddog also jumped up and lay his head down on Slutcat’s belly though, as if preventing her from doing anything more than snuggling. But Slutcat restrained her instincts and kept her hands mostly to herself.

“So, what’s with the belt anyway? It doesn’t do anything,” Ralof asked as she removed it from her waist.

“Oh, it’s a style thing. You wouldn’t understand.”

Ralof nodded. “Probably not. Listen, when we wake up, I’m heading to Windhelm. I need to see how Ulfric fared. Unless you want to join up with the Stormcloaks, I’m afraid I have to leave you then.”

Slutcat turned to him, laying her breasts on his chest. “I’m not ready for that Ralof. I wouldn’t make a good soldier. No, I think I’ll go meet this Jarl of Whiterun that Gurder was talking about. I guess I should tell him about the dragon too. But maybe I’ll meet you again.”

Ralof nodded and they chatted a bit more before Ralof fell to sleep. Slutcat wasn’t far behind and she dreamed peacefully for the most part. As for Sworddog, she stayed planted atop Slutcat’s belly like a living chastity belt – with teeth.