“Well, another day of Mystery and Adventure, eh Lydia?” Slutcat said, trying to be as cheerful as possible given the hangover they were both feeling. Breakfast had helped, to be sure.
“That’s the spirit!” Sworddog chimed in.
Both Lydia and Slutcat scowled at the dog. “We’re not talking to you right now, Sworddog,” Lydia grunted.
“We’ll get over it, but maybe you’d best be quiet for a little while.”
“Jeeze, he just wanted to see your butts. What’s the big deal? A couple days ago you would have bedded that guy in a heartbeat!” the dog complained.
“That’s different. And besides, we’re not talking to you,” Slutcat replied.
“Got you a free breakfast,” Sworddog muttered to herself.
“One thousand steps, they say,” Lydia said to Slutcat. “It’s a pilgrimmage for many, though the Greybeards rarely let anyone into their fortress at the top.”
“One… thousand… steps…” Slutcat said hesitantly.
“Well, that’s what they say. I’ve never been myself.”
“All of them going up I assume?” Slutcat asked, looking up at the peak nearly lost in the distance.
“I think you are safe to assume that.”
As they came to a bridge at the edge of town, two men were talking there.
“Oh! Hi Slutcat! Remember me from last night?” one of them called to her.
“Er… not really. Sorry,” she replied, unsure of what kind of encounter she may have had with this man. She noted he wasn’t too bad looking though, for an old bald guy.
“Oh, that’s a shame. You showed me your birthmark!”
Slutcat’s eyes grew large. Her birthmark was in an EXTREMELY private place!
“My birthmark?” she stammered, looking back at Lydia.
“Sure! Looks like a little heart right by your…”
“SORRY!” she interrupted, moving on past the man. "Gotta go. Gotta get to High Hrothgar today. Maybe I’ll see you on the way back!“
Later Slutcat was breathing hard. "Whew!” she said, looking forlornly at Lydia. “This… mountain climbing… is hard work!”
Lydia looked at her, puzzled. “Mountain climbing? Slutcat we’re walking up steps. We’re not exactly what I would call mountain climbing. And…”
Lydia looked to her left. They had maybe climbed 20 steps.
“We just left IVARSTEAD Slutcat!”
Slutcat looked past Lydia. “Well, it’s just possible that I’m a little out-of-shape.”
An hour later and Slutcat collapsed and began crawling on her hands and knees while Lydia looked on, bemused.
“Slutcat, we’re not even to the snow line yet,’ Lydia said with disdain. “At this rate we’ll be lucky to make it by tomorrow!”
Slutcat looked up at the mountain peak barely visible in the distance and nearly straight up. She squeaked a little in desparation.
“Perhaps you need to stop for a break?”
“DO YOU THINK?!!!” Slutcat gasped.
Slutcat rolled over on her back, trying to catch her breath.
“I thought you cats were supposed to be… I don’t know… all wild and nature-y,” Lydia said, looking at the heaving chest.
“This cat is made for love… not… stairs!”
“I’m sorry Slutcat, but we’re never going to make it like this. Maybe we should turn back.”
“I… have an idea about that. You know what you’re always saying? You’re sworn to carry my burdens?”
“Yeeeeeees?” Lydia answered hesitantly.
“Dammit Slutcat, my boobs are not handles!” Lydia grumbled as she carried her burden up the steps.
“Sorry Lydia. But it’s just where my hands naturally go!”
“And your fingernails are too sharp too.”
“‘Sworn’, I believe was the word. What does that mean, Lydia? ‘Sworn’?”
“Well dammit, stop playing with my nipples anyway!”
“I liked it better on your back,” Slutcat was saying as they continued up the mountain.
“My shoulders will have to do,” Lydia told her lord. “I said I’d carry you. I didn’t say how.”
“You know, at least I can help keep you warm,” the Khajiit smiled, her feet against Lydia’s breasts.
I bet you thought I’d forgotten all about Slutcat and Sworddog! No sir!
“Lydia?” Slutcat slurred as she managed to crack one eye open a hair, then the other. She was laying underneath something. “Lydia?”
A grunt came in response, but the thing on top of her stirred.
“Lydia. I think you’re on top of me,” Slutcat said with a tongue that felt swollen and lazy.
“Mmm?” said the hungover Housecarl as Slutcat slid out from under her.
“Lydia, wake up. You’re naked,” Slutcat observed, clearing the fog from her eyes and gazing at Lydia’s ass a bit uncomprehendingly.
“Yaughoo,” Lydia managed, then cleared her voice and enunciated as best she could, “You… are… too.”
Sworddog just watched the two.
“And we’re on the floor,” Slutcat continued with her monumental discoveries, “In a tavern I think.”
“Tavern?” Lydia managed. “Yeah… we went in a tavern.”
“We’re naked. On the floor. In a tavern. Sworddog, what happened? Where’s our clothes?”
“Got me!” Sworddog said rather coldly. “I’ve been sleeping.”
“Well, be a friend and find our clothes, would you?” Slutcat asked the dog.
“Fat chance,” Sworddog scoffed. “You two smell of piss and ale. I’m not sure which is worse. Find your own damn rags.”
“Jeeze, some friend you are! Lydia, help me look for them.
"Looking for… what again?” Lydia asked, trying to shake some sense back into her head.
“Clothes Lydia. We had clothes on when we came into this place. It’s logical they’re still here somewhere.”
Lydia looked around her, trying to focus while Slutcat peered under the bed.
“Um… Slutcat… Did we… Did we get laid last night?” Lydia asked, trying to remember.
“Hell if I know,” Slutcat replied. “Wait…”
Slutcat did something to herself that will forever remain a mystery to men.
“No. At least I didn’t. Still horny.”
Lydia looked down at herself. “No, I don’t think so either.”
“Come on Lydia, help me look!”
“Nothing,” Slutcat declared finally. “Well, let’s go ask the bartender. Maybe he knows.”
The two walked out into the common room which was blessedly free of patrons.
“Excuse me sir,” Slutcat started.
“Ah. Slutcat. You’re awake. And naked. Why don’t you put your clothes on, such as the are,” the bartender greeted them cheerfully.
“That’s the problem,” Lydia continued. “We seem to have lost them.”
“Lost your CLOTHES?” the bartender laughed. “You did get pretty plastered last night.”
“But… we had our clothes on, right?” Slutcat asked hopefully.
“Of course! Well, until you two did that strip tease…”
“Strip tease?” Slutcat and Lydia said in unison, and both looked at each other, then at the fire happily blazing in the center of the room.
“Dammit, I LIKED that little string!” Lydia cried.
“Oh, you didn’t throw them in the fire,” the bartender assured them. You just tossed them to the side. I’m sure they’re around here somewhere.
“Where?” Slutcat asked, but only received a frown from the bartender.
“You’re on your own there ladies. I suggest you start searching. The early risers will start coming in soon.”
Slutcat heaved a sigh which the bartender watched with interest, but she was in no shape for that, so they both started scouring the common room.
“Can you give us a clue? Where were we when we were doing that strip dance?” Lydia asked.
“Oh hell, you two were everywhere! Are you some sort of nymphomaniacs or something?” came the reply.
“I didn’t think so,” Lydia muttered under her breath.
“Try under there… down a little lower…” the bartender suggested, enjoying the view immensely.
Lydia scowled at the pervert, but he didn’t even bat an eye and continued watching with fascination.
“Could they be in the rafters?” Slutcat said, climbing up on a table to check.
“Could be anywhere,” the bartender laughed. “I wasn’t really watching where you threw em.”
The two continued, looking everywhere for their clothes while the bartender kept providing suggestions which inevitably led to him getting an impressive view of their bodies in every conceivable contortion as they looked around, on top of, and under everything in the place.
“Don’t worry,” Sworddog said aside to the camera. “They’ll find them by the next chapter. I didn’t hide them very well. The bartender only paid me in hamburgers.”
The three continued up the road, but soon encountered some Imperials.
“Careful Slutcat,” Lydia warned. “The Imperials usually are peaceable enough, but these look to be ruffians. You get that from time to time. Be ready to fight.”
“Fight? Why? We’ve done nothing wrong for them to harass us,” Slutcat said, but one of the Imperials had spotted them.
“You’ve wandered into Imperial business,” he said. “Now you must pay 100 gold fine for interrupting us!”
Slutcat looked to Lydia who shook her head slightly.
“Over my dead body,” Slutcat replied, firing up her Sparks.
The Imperial backed off a pace at her revealed magic powers, but Lydia pressed the attack and Sworddog joined in. The battle was joined, yet even with their superior armor the Imperials had no chance. Lydia alone was more than a match for them.
After the battle was over, Lydia began to go through the Imperial’s possessions.
“Take everything,” she advised. “Especially anything Imperial. We’ll be gone from here quickly, but it wouldn’t do to have this discovered. Without their Imperial uniforms, they’ll just look like ordinary bandits.”
“Got it,” Slutcat said and took to looting another body.
Soon they had taken everything valuable or identifiable.
“This sure is a violent place,” Slutcat said after they had dragged the bodies off the road, and they continued on.
“I’m afraid it’s to be expected. Unless you are an overwhelming force, there are always people ready to do violence for gold. Even Imperials.”
Slutcat nodded understanding.
“The Jarl certainly gave me a capable Housecarl though. You’re damned impressive in battle, Lydai!”
“Thank you my lord. But let’s keep moving. We can still make it to Ivarstead by nightfall I think.”
They continued on for an hour, with the only incident a stray wolf attack. Slutcat had gotten so good at handling those that even Sworddog didn’t need to interfere. They had become little more than a nuisance. But as they topped a rise, having left Whiterun behind, Lydia stopped and pointed at a huge structure that spanned the river ahead of them.
“The Valtheim Towers,” she named them. “The last report we had, the Towers were held by some bandits. We may be able to skirt around them, but they are notorious archers. If they attack we must take refuge from arrows as soon as possible.”
“Will do,” Slutcat responded, adding, “Remember though, the Inverse Proportionality Rule doesn’t apply to arrows. Protect yourself.”
“Noted,” Lydia said. “But Slutcat, if I could offer a suggestion…”
“Of course Lydia! What is it?”
“You have gained some substantial weaponry. After the last battle, I believe in the Rule and am quite satisfied with my armor, but you don’t use the weapons you have. I could. I could use your bow to allow you to get close enough for your spells for instance. If you would deign to let me use them.”
“Lydia,” Slutcat cried, “Of course you can! You can have them for all the good they do me! You must speak up if I’m doing something stupid. I’m not trained in this sort of thing. Please don’t think you’ll offend me and say something!”
Quickly Slutcat gave Lydia all the weaponry and armor she had, including the rather “special” Sword of Dibella she had found in the Barrow. Lydia was especially impressed with it and decided it would be her main weapon at close quarters. Slutcat wasn’t too sure if it was the blade itself, or the naked woman on the hilt that inspired her, but regardless it did to seem of a finer type than the others.
As they approached the towers though, against their hopes, a fierce woman dressed in fur armor attacked them without provocation and the battle was on. Lydia was able to kill her quickly, but the arrows started falling the moment the woman was down.
“To the Tower!” Lydia cried, taking an arrow in a shoulder while Slutcat and Sworddog ran for the front door. There they stopped to either side of the door, Slutcat handing Lydia a healing potion after she’d removed the arrow.
“They won’t come out. We could possibly run on and make it around the towers, but I’m loathe to leave these behind us,” Lydia said as the potion did it’s work.
“Do you think we can take them,” Slutcat asked, her blood boiling.
“Do you have more healing potions?”
“I do. I have three bottles I bought at the shop before we left.”
“Then I have no doubt we can. What say you? Shall we clean house?”
“Let’s clean the towers!” Slutcat cried and threw the doors open wide.
The battle took no more than a half hour, but to Slutcat it felt like the whole day as the adrenaline flowed through her and she raced from place to place. Lydia would take on the more heavily armored bandits while Slutcat and Sworddog would remove the threat of archers.
She was not entirely successful of course, and only Sworddog escaped unscathed by arrows. But the healing potions she had brought took care of that and she ended up finding more than she used in the various chests and tables in the Towers anyway.
At last the Towers were cleansed of all the Bandits and all the loot was gathered before the three, tired but whole, continued on down the path. Among the items they found was an interesting necklace that Slutcat was convinced was enhancing her magic ability, so she kept that around her neck.
They came to a fork in the road and sat down to rest.
“So, what do you think of the Rule now?” Slutcat asked her Housecarl and lover after they had kissed in celebration now that they were away and safe.
“It really works!” Lydia admitted. “I think my shield is pointless with this armor on! It makes no sense, but I didn’t take a single hit – but for the arrows.”
“Told you. I don’t think it works for men though.”
“Well, you’ve convinced me anyway. I just hope the people back home can get used to seeing so much of me!”
“They’ll never get used to it, Lydia. But screw them, right?”
“That’s right. Screw them! Um… what does ‘screw’ mean?”
“Fuck. It’s the same as "Fuck them!”
“Oh. Then yes! SCREW THEM ALL!”
“Thats the spirit!” Slutcat laughed and they continued on up the trail, which was rising perceptably higher now as they got closer to the Throat of the World.
The sun was getting low when they crossed a bridge beside a huge waterfall that Slutcat absolutely had to stop and see so they leaned over the bridge side and took a few minutes to admire the view.
“Oh Lydia, it’s absolutely gorgeous!” Slutcat cried over the sound of the rushing water.
“Is it? I suppose it is actually. I’m afraid I don’t take the time to smell the roses.”
“I don’t think there’s anything in Nature as beautiful as that view!” Slutcat said, enraptured.
“No, I have to agree. The curve of the water as it arches to fall gracefully downwards…” Lydia said, getting into the spirit.
“…and the parting of the stream to the dark, wet swell underneath where magic awaits. Don’t you just want to taste it?” Slutcat moaned.
Sworddog looked at the camera, her head cocked to one side. “Oh brother… That’s pushing it Slutcat.”
The moon was rising and the last rays of the sun still shone on the high clouds above as they came in sight of Ivarstead and the huge mountain beyond.
“That’s Ivarstead. And we still made it before dark,” Lydia said, rather proud of herself.
“Look, Lydia. We’re back to civilization now. If you want to change out of that Reverse Proportionality armor, you’re welcome to,” Slutcat said. “I’m grateful for all you did today.”
“Oh THANK you Slutcat! I have to admit it was beginning to bother me a bit. It will be so good to get out of it!” Lydia admitted and sat down to change…
But to Slutcat’s surprise, she simply took her boots and pauldrons off and left the ultra-skimpy thong in place.
“Oh, thank you Slutcat!” she laughed, knowing full well what Slutcat had expected.
“But… I mean… you can put on normal clothes now if you want!”
“Sorry to dissapoint you Slutcat. I’ve gotten used to being naked now. I’m afraid your Housecarl has become a Houseslut!” Lydia said, rubbing herself against the Thane of Whiterun.
“You’ve created a monster, Slutcat!” Sworddog laughed. “She just might be sluttier than you!”
“Impossible! I’m the #1 Slut around here Lydia! Don’t be getting too big for your G-string. I don’t think it stretches!” and she tugged on the thong.
Lydia let out a squeak that set even Sworddog to laughing. Lydia gave Slutcat a sharp slap on her rump to which the khajiit yelped similarly.
“Now we’re even,” Lydia said, strolling into town and into the Inn, all but totally nude and just daring the locals to say anything.
“Bartender!” Slutcat called. “Drinks all around! A toast to my Housecarl. The sluttiest Housecarl ever!”
Suddenly the stares of the patrons turned into a a shout. “HERE HERE!” They all cried as the bartender rushed to make the drinks.
“And a toast to my Slutty Pussy! The best Pussy Ever!” Lydia replied once they’d all been served.
The patrons were a bit confused by that, but they downed more alcohol anyway with another hearty cheer – toasting either to Slutcat or to Lydia’s vagina, whichever they thought she meant.
“Ah yes, reducing men to a puddle. I used to be able to do that,” Slutcat commented wistfully as they continued down the road towards the mountain.
“Used to? I would have guessed you would get all the men you could handle, Thane. You are interested in non-khajiits then?”
“Oh certainly! Why, back home I used to take on three at a time. All the flavors too. I remember this one time I even broke out the chocolate syrup, chopped strawberries and crushed pineapple. I was a banana split! It was wonderful!” Slutcat said, her eyes glazing over in remembrance. But then she returned to the present and her countenance dropped. “But since we came here I haven’t bedded a single one.”
“Wait, I’d heard that you and the Jarl were lovers. I even have it on good authority that you slept in his bedchamber last night,” Lydia protested.
“That much is true,” Slutcat sighed. “We were all set for a night of lovemaking till the wee hours. I even got to feel his beard between my legs! But then. SNOOZE.”
Lydia snickered uncontrollably, “You fell asleep with the Jarl licking you?!”
Sworddog spoke up then, “Well, she did have a pretty full day, remember. She’d just vanquished a dragon after all!”
“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to laugh. But you have to admit… the Jarl?!”
“I know, I’m pathetic,” Slutcat said. “I just think something has it in for me here. It’s like there’s a force preventing me from feeling a nice hard man ever since we got here. Maybe the men are just different here than where I come from.”
Lydia sat down to rest for a moment. “I don’t know about that, Slutcat. From my own experience, they seem to to be every bit as horny as any you’ve probably met. There have been times I’ve literally had to fight them off. Maybe you should tell me a little about where you come from? Perhaps I can give you some advice?”
Sworddog let out a warning growl, but Slutcat waved her away.
“Well, it’s a lot less wild anyway. Most of the men I met there have desk jobs of some kind or another. Pretty flabby and weak too compared to your men here. It’s the lifestyle though. We don’t have the wild creatures around every turn either ready to eat you! I think we’ve gotten rid of all of them pretty much, until the only ones left we keep in zoos.”
Lydia ignored the words she didn’t understand, “Sounds comfy anyway.”
“Oh, yeah. Comfy for sure. But I do love the sight of six-pack abs on every man. Sworddog, you should have seen the Jarl! The guy’s gotta be at least 50, and if you ran your tongue over his stomach it would be like, ‘lub-lub-lub-lub’”
Lydia laughed and even Sworddog chuckled in her doggy way.
They got up to continue on.
“But I’m flabby too. Did you know I dropped the Jarl’s gift sword? Yup, right in front of his throne. He handed it to me and I might as well have been a noodle. If I weren’t able to do magic here, Lydia, I’d be useless.”
“No offense intended, Slutcat, but you could always be a whore.”
Slutcat bristled at that. “Look Lydia, maybe here that’s an okay thing to suggest, but where I come from it’s quite an insult. Besides, I’m telling you, I can’t get a man here anyway. The universe conspires against me. I’d be the most useless whore ever.”
“I’m sorry Slutcat, but I find it hard to believe you can’t get laid here. Being a prostitute in Skyrim is probably not the most glamorous of professions, but a girl’s gotta eat too. My own mother… well, she did what she had to do.”
“Easy for you to say with your fucking perfect body!” Slutcat said, turning on her Housecarl. Why look at that stomach! It’s even more toned than the Jarls’!“
As proof Slutcat ran her tongue over it, and sure enough her sound effect from earlier was pretty accurate.
"And yet, even with your muscles, you have those gorgeous tits! And even your face is to die for.”
“My lord!” Lydia croaked huskily, but Slutcat wasn’t done.
The khajiit dropped to her knees and ran her paw across Lydia’s rump, causing the Housecarl to groan.
“And to top it all off, check this out!” she said taking Lydia’s butt in her claws, “look at that ass! Perfectly curved, firm as a melon, no hint of a tail to get in the way and, just as I suspected. You don’t shave do you? You’re naturally hairless down here! Goddammit Lydia, no wonder you have to fight them off! You’re a man’s walking wet dream!”
Lydia was breathing hard by now.
“And I,” Slutcat continued over her shoulder as she stood up and continuing down the path. “I’m a fucking walking cat with fur everywhere. The only men who want to fuck me are khajiits that will get me pregnant if they so much as look at me funny if I’m lucky! I know I’m a monstrosity to you humans, but is it too much to ask to get some attention every now and then? Is it any wonder I’m a slut?”
“Um… Slutcat,” said Sworddog close behind.
“What Sworddog?”
“I think you broke her.”
Slutcat turned back to where Lydia still stood standing on the bridge.
“I’m sorry Lydia. I came down too hard on you, I know. I’m just so frustrated. Fucking is the one thing I’m really good at, and I can’t even do it here!”
Lydia looked at the khajiit, her expression unreadable. “I don’t think you’re a monstrosity, Slutcat.”
Lydia stepped closer to Slutcat until they were nose-to-nose.
“I think you’re beautiful,” Lydia said and took the khajiit in her arms, kissing her passionately.
“Oh my,” Sworddog said, looking away awkwardly.
The sudden kiss was totally unexpected, but her own passions had been bottled up so long that she literally said “Fuck it” and returned the embrace. The two took refuge under the bridge while Sworddog stayed out of the way.
“Lydia, you know I…” Slutcat said after they had recovered their senses.
“No! Let me tell you something first before you get all apologetic on me. I know you’re not looking for a long term lover, male or female. Neither am I. But I’m a slut too. I might have hidden it away until you brought it out in me, but if we’re going to be together for who knows how long, you might as well know how attracted I am to you physically, Slutcat, I’ll use the hell out of you if you let me. I’m have to admit it’s just pure lust right now, but I don’t know you well enough for it to be anything else yet. And I know you prefer men. But you can’t tell me that you didn’t get a hell of a kick out of me too! So just keep your apologies to yourself, okay? I got what I wanted, and at least to some extent I know you did too. So let’s just call it a mutually beneficial arrangement for now, okay?”
“Well! Thanks Lydia, that does make me feel better.”
“There is nothing to be sorry about, my lord. I’ve harbored my own lust for you since we first met. And then you carrying on about your frustration… Well, it’s time to set the record straight. You certainly lit the fire in me!”
“I noticed!” Slutcat said, her tail fluffing.
Lydia shrugged while putting her armor back on. “Well, until you get over your curse here, I’ll be happy to offer an alternative.”
Slutcat gave her a hug. “Alternative accepted, Lydia. At least I can walk now without wanting to touch myself every step.”
“It is my pleasure, Slutcat. But we’d better get moving. We’ll be lucky to make Ivarstead before nightfall and we really don’t want to be traveling the roads of Skyrim at night if we can avoid it.” Lydia said as she stood and adjusted what meager clothing she had.
So finally they got back onto the road again.
“A woman?,” Sworddog said when they were out of earshot of Lydia.
Slutcat sighed, looking at the ass of the woman in front of her. “Any port in a storm they say Sworddog. Long term, not likely. But she has a point. Besides, look at that ass will you? I may like the feel of a good hard man, but I can sure appreciate that too!”
“Suffers from a lack of tail to me, but to each their own. The question is, would you give up your men for it?”
“A bird in the hand, they say. She likes me, she likes my body, and she’s not looking for long term commitment too. Right now she’s just about perfect given my ‘curse’.”
“So should I mark you down as ‘Bi’ then?”
“Probably best not to mark me down as anything Sworddog. For now lets just pencil in ‘Lydia’s lover’ how about?”
“Fair enough. And now that you’ve had your passions relieved, maybe we should think about these Greybeards though. What if they want you to join them in their monastery up there?”
Slutcat looked up at the huge mountain that loomed in the distance. “I could imagine a worse fate than to be the only female in a monastery of men.”
“Good point. But I gather these men are pretty old. ‘Greybeards’ is pretty specific.”
“You didn’t see the Jarl. Age seems to mean a lot less here than it did back home.”
“And what about Lydia?”
Slutcat looked back at the bare back of her Housecarl and a smile crept over her face.
“You know, not all banana splits are made with the same ingredients.”
Sworddog snickered, “Apparently even the bananas are optional.”
When she emerged from the Jarl’s bedroom, Slutcat’s face was stone.
“Hi Slutcat! Did you have a nice night?” Sworddog asked.
“Oh. Hi Sworddog. Yes, I slept well. Have you seen the Jarl?”
“No. He left not long after you two…”
“Did nothing,” Slutcat finished for her.
Sworddog decided this might not be the best time for chit-chat and just followed Slutcat back to the big Throne room where Proventus was waiting.
“No, the Jarl had business out in the city today and is not expected back for a few hours. He did offer you the invitation to stay over another night however,” he informed her.
She shook her head as her and Sworddog walked away from the throne.
“Someone’s got it in for me Sworddog. I’m giving up on men for a while. This universe is obviously not going to let me fuck.”
“Maybe that’s for the best. For now.” Sworddog said quietly.
“Hello!” said a new voice as they approached the exit. “I’m Lydia, your Housecarl! You are Slutcat, and you are her companion Sworddog, am I correct?”
“Oh yeah. The Jarl said something about you. What’s a Housecarl anyway?”
“I am your bodyguard and assistant. As Thane of Whiterun, I am sworn to give my life to your service.”
The khajiit’s face began to smile for the first time this day.
“Tell me, Lydia. Do you want to die?”
“My lord?” Lydia said, confused.
“You won’t last two days in that armor. You obviously don’t know about the reverse proportionality rule. RPR for short.”
“What’s wrong with my armor? I’ve saved for years to outfit myself in this!”
“Lydia, you aren’t going to believe me if I explain the reverse proportionality rule to you right now. You’re just going to have to trust me on this. But don’t worry, I saw a little store as we were coming in and I’m sure with a little editing, we can get armor that will do you much more good than that!”
“I’m afraid I don’t have a lot of coin, Slutcat. Honestly I just spent all I had to buy this when I found out I was to be the Dragonborn’s personal Housecarl!”
“Oh, don’t worry about that. I picked up some dragon bones and scales the other day. They should bring plenty in trade. We’re a team now, right? But you’re on Team Slutcat, and you’re going to need to dress appropriately.”
They arrived at Belethor’s General Goods store.
"Here!? But there’s Warmaidens for armor by the city gate. And then there’s the Companion’s blacksmith too.”
“Oh, I’m sure they do great metal work,” Slutcat agreed, stopping by the shop’s door. “But they won’t have the sort of thing we need. In my experience these little shopkeepers always have a back room, where they keep the good stuff. Now you just let me do the talking. We’ll have you properly outfitted to be my Housecarl in just a few minutes. Now let’s do what frustrated girls have been doing all through the centuries… Let’s go SHOPPING!”
“Shopping?”
“Certainly! Oh, by the way… do you shave?” Slutcat asked Lydia who raised an eyebrow.
“Shave what?” she asked, curiously.
“Belethor, darling…” Slutcat crooned as she draped herself across his counter. “My name is Slutcat and apparently I’m also known as the Dragonborn now. I also happen to have been selected by the Jarl last night as Thane of Whiterun. As such, I seem to have certain… privileges around here. Do you get me?”
Belethor looked worried. “I have heard of you, Slutcat. But Thane, I run a meager little business here! I can’t just let you have everything you want for free!”
Slutcat laughed and shook her head, “Oh, you misunderstand me good shopkeeper! I will pay and pay handsomely for what you will sell me. But what you will sell me is nothing I see here.”
“Nothing… what? What do you mean?”
“Show us the Back Room…”
Technically when Lydia emerged from the store she was not precisely naked, though some might argue the point. She had proper paldrons, thigh boots, and her shield. But it took Slutcat some persuasion to get her to emerge from the shadows at the door.
“Slutcat, I… You surely don’t expect me to…” Lydia said, her eyes begging.
“Yes, that’s much better. Now we’re a team! Though I still say you would be safer without even the strappy thing.”
“Please, reverse proportionality rule or no, I needed something covering my delicates!”
“The transparent bikini would have….”
“Slutcat, I don’t think you quite understand the concept of modesty. A transparent bikini would have covered more skin, but is was transparent so it would be rather pointless! As it is I’m all but naked anyway.”
“Nonsense. You just wait and see. I promise you not a single weapon will touch you! Well, except for arrows and magic. See if I’m not right.”
“But what will people say?”
Slutcat shrugged, then noticed a nearby guard that was staring at them through his helmet.
“Let’s find out! Come over here. Good Sir Guard, we need your opinion. What do you think of Lydia’s new armor?” Slutcat asked.
The sounds that emerged from the helmet were not exactly intelligible.
“Oh, Lydia. Now stop that,” Slutcat said, seeing her Housecarl was attempting to cover herself. “How can he properly judge if he can’t see the whole outfit? There, that’s better! Now, Mr. Guardsman. What do you think? Be honest.”
“So it’s on to High Hrothgar then!” Lydia said happily as they left Whiterun (and everyone that she would be embarrassed to meet) behind.
“Yup! Ever been there? Do you know where it is?” Slutcat asked.
“I’ve never actually been there, but everyone knows where it is. See that huge mountain up there? It’s on top of that. When you live around here, the Throat of the World kind of hangs over you all the time. But it will take a full day just to get to Ivarstead, which is where the Steps begin. But really, about this ‘RPR’… Does it really work or is it just a way to distract your attacker?”
“Oh, it really works! That’s not to say it doesn’t distract of course. And it may also be that when your most intimate parts are exposed to an enemy you protect the hell out of them instinctively. Or it could simply be the laws of this universe. But it doesn’t matter why – the result is the same!”
“I’ll give it a try. You were right about one thing. I am getting used to it. Even though this butt floss makes me feel like I need to stop every 10 minutes to relieve myself. But I still say that Guard wasn’t a very accurate way to judge.”
“Hey, he may not have been much at speechcraft, but that erection was pretty unmistakable. Surely that should indicate approval?”
“I suppose so. Of a sort anyway. But the stain was kind of disgusting.”
“Just think of it as your own special kind of magic. Disgusting or no, didn’t I detect a little pride there when we left?”
“Maybe just a little. There is something empowering about reducing a man to a puddle so easily I have to admit.”
“I feel… weird,” Slutcat confessed to Sworddog. “I feel like… Like I have greater potential now, but something is holding me back.”
“Do you think that dragon-spooge had something to do with it?” the dog asked, trying to be helpful.
“Not… directly. Let me try something…”
Suddenly Slutcat’s eyes unfocused. “I’m seeing something Sworddog. Wait… it’s asking if I want to increase my health, magic or stamina!”
“Sounds like a Level Up to me! What did you pick?”
“Magic seemed right. But now it’s asking something else. What ‘perk’ do I want?”
“What are your choices?”
“Jeeze, there’s like a million. But I think Destruction Magic sounds right. ‘Novice Magic’ looks to be the only choice…”
Then her eyes returned to normal. “Wow! I feel… better!”
“Congratulations Slutcat! I guess you’re Level 2 now!”
“I do feel stronger! Level 2 eh? I guess we’re doing okay in this world after all. But now let’s go get my real reward! Where’s that Jarl guy?” Slutcat said.
They proceeded back to Dragonsreach.
“Finally! No way he’s wriggling out of this one. It’s time to SCORE!” Slutcat said as they stood at the door.
Slutcat and Sworddog approached the Jarl who was sitting on his throne, his brother and the mealy-mouthed Proventus standing nearby. She explained all that had happened, including the whole ‘Dragonborn’ business as well as the weird voice she heard when they were returning.
“So it’s true. The Greybeards really were summoning you,” Jarl Balgruuf said. “You should go to High Hrothgar and learn what the Greybeards can teach you! You’ve done a great service to me and my city, Slutcat. By my right as Jarl, I name you Thane of Whiterun. It’s the greatest honor that’s within my power to grant. I assign you Lydia as a personal housecarl, and this weapon from my armory to serve as your badge of office.”
Slutcat took the sword he proffered her, and immediately dropped it clanging to the floor.
“Oh… Sorry Jarl! I didn’t expect it to be so heavy. I’ll just keep it in my inventory. I appreciate it, really I do! But… we were going to discuss my other talents too, remember?”
“How could I forget? Proventus, I’ll be in my chambers discussing private matters with the Dragonborn. Please see that we’re not disturbed,” said the Jarl rising from his throne and allowing Slutcat to take his arm.
“But, Jarl Balgruuf! a khajiit?”
The Jarl shot him a look. “Slutcat is clearly no ‘normal’ khajiit, Proventus! She is the Dragonborn and may well have helped to save this city from destruction! She deserves all the attentions I can offer. On second thought, I think I’ll be spending the rest of the evening with her, so you can go and do whatever it is that you do around here.”
“Of course, my apologies,” he replied, bowing to Slutcat as well as the Jarl.
“That’s better. You had best remember that when addressing this Thane of Whiterun in the future as well!” the Jarl said, then turned to Slutcat. “And now, would you accompany me Slutcat? I have been looking forward to discussing your talents in private since last we met!”
“It would be an honor my Jarl,” Slutcat smiled lasciviously. “Perhaps you could bestow some of your largess upon me, your humble servant?”
“I will bestow all I am able to summon, I’m sure.” the Jarl agreed.
Proventus let out a disgusted sound and shook his head, at which both Slutcat and the Jarl had a good laugh before entering his private rooms.
Yet even in his private chambers they were not alone as guards were stationed throughout the rooms. They proceeded up a short flight of steps to his personal bedroom however where he stopped just inside.
“Far be it from me to complain, Slutcat,” he said while looking at Sworddog. “If your friend were just a regular dog I wouldn’t object but…”
“No. You’re right. Sorry Sworddog, this is as far as you go. What happens behind these doors is personal.”
Sworddog grumbled under her breath, “Wasn’t too personal when you took on three a week ago.”
“SHHHH!” Slutcat hissed, glancing to the Jarl. “Hehe, She’s such a kidder!” she laughed nervously as she closed the door on Sworddog.
“And now,” the Jarl said as he disrobed and sat on the bed, “let’s see if you really deserve that moniker!”
“Oh, I think you’ll agree I do indeed!” Slutcat said with a growl.
“My, but you get naked quick!”
“It helps when you’re almost there to start with. Now, at the risk of sounding too greedy Jarl, I’ve been dying to feel that beard!”
“Ah! Like my beard do you?”
Slutcat took the Jarl of Whiterun’s head in her hands and guided it to where she most could appreciate it.
“I like it here!” she moaned.
The Jarl was happy to comply and Slutcat’s moans became deeper.
And deeper.
And turned into a snore.
The Jarl looked up from where his attention had been and Slutcat turned onto her side, fast asleep.
“Well, I guess you have had a long day. Sleep well, Dragonborn,” he said and quietly got up, dressed, and left a naked khajiit in his royal bed.
Hours later Slutcat roused from a lazy dream involving many men with beards surrounding her.
“Mmm… Jarls…” she said. Then her eyes flew open.
“Oh no…”
She looked around the room, but it was empty.
“OH NO!!!”
“OH FUUUUUUUUUUCK!” she cried, rolling up into a ball of misery.
Slutcat and Sworddog followed Irileth up some stairs to a room behind the grand hall. Jarl Balgruuf was there interviewing a soldier who had just come from a place called the Western Watchtower,z where a dragon had been sighted. After some words with the guard, he turned to Irileth and commanded her to gather a group of soldiers and confront the dragon.
The Jarl of Whiterun then addressed Slutcat directly, “There’s no time to stand on ceremony, my friend. I need your help again. I want you to go with Irileth and help her fight this dragon. You survived Helgen, so you have more experience with dragons than anyone else here.”
Slutcat stared at him open-mouthed. “Me? Yeah, I had experience… Running from the damned thing!
The Jarl looked disapponted, but continued, "But I haven’t forgotten the service you did for me in retrieving the Dragonstone for Farengar. As a token of my esteem, I have instructed Avenicci that you are now permitted to purchase property in the city.”
He also handed her another bit of armor, which apparently passed for gold around here, she thought.
Slutcat leaned seductively against a support. “Well thanks Jarl,” she said in a sultry tone. “Now I can be a property-owning corpse,” she continued, her voice shifting into full scale sarcasm, “Thanks a lot.”
The Jarl leaned in close and whispered in her ear, “when you return, perhaps we can discuss your other talents in private?”
“Now you’re talking! Well come on Irileth! That dragon’s not going to slay itself!”
Sworddog ran after Slutcat and Irileth who were hurrying towards the small garrison and some waiting soldiers.
“Slutcat! What are you doing? You’re going to attack a dragon!”
“Damn straight I am! Come on, you can help too.”
“I’m not sure how much good I can do. I can’t fly you know.”
“You can distract it while I hit it with my Sparks!”
The three ran to the main gate where some men stood waiting. After a rather humdrum ‘inspirational’ rally, Slutcat and the men passed through the gate and headed out into the nearby countryside to find the dragon.
“Kind of weird for a Dunmer to be rallying her men using the ‘Nord card’, don’t you think?” Slutcat commented quietly to Sworddog.
She nodded back to Slutcat, “well, it seems to have worked.”
“So,” Sworddog said as they followed the others. “What did the Jarl give you anyway?”
“Some helmet. Here, what do you think?” Slutcat said, pausing to try it on.
“Slutcat, you look ridiculous.”
“Yeah. That’s what I thought. And it might interfere with my inverse proportionality armor. What do you think, should I try it out against the dragon?”
“Mmm. Probably better wait for something less… lethal,” Sworddog suggested.
“Good thinking…” Slutcat said and ran on all fours to catch up with the others before removing it.
When they got to the tower, though it had obviously been attacked with fire recently, there was no dragon to be seen. However, when Slutcat went inside the tower a soldier was there insisting it was nearby. That was when they all heard the dragon’s roar. Slutcat could see the soldiers outside looking skyward and all had their bows out, but she was pretty sure she didn’t have the range of an arrow.
“What about if you go to the top of the tower? You might be able to get closer to it,” Sworddog suggested.
“Good idea!”
In a moment she was on top of the tower and she saw the dragon. “Sworddog, it’s not the same one! This one is smaller!”
“Looks pretty damned big to me!”
Slutcat tried her Spark spell. A couple of times she did manage to get a hit when it came close enough, as evidenced by the blow glow that the sparks caused across its scales. But then it saw her.
“SWORDDOG! RUN!” she screamed, but it was too late for Slutcat to avoid the dragon’s fire. She maintained her Sparks spell till the flames came roaring from it’s mouth as she backed towards the stairs down. She ran to the stairs as fast as she could then and took only some minor burns which she quickly healed with a potion.
“That’s no good,” she said as they got to the bottom of the tower. “There’s no place to hide up there.”
Sworddog nodded. But then they heard Irileth calling to her men. She ran outside to see the dragon on the ground attacking and she swung around to apply her spells to it’s side as it concentrated on Irileth.
But then the massive head swung to face Slutcat. It was bloodied from a myriad of wounds and arrow shafts stuck out of it like a porcupine. It advanced on her, ready to unleash the fire yet again, but Irileth had recovered and was hacking at it as well while more arrows found their mark and Slutcat continued her minor spark assault. Before it could take another breath, a mighty hack from Irileth finished it and the dragon rolled to it’s side, dead.
But instead of laying dormant, the body began to glow with an increasing intensity and something swirled around Slutcat, apparently eminating from the dead dragon. Slutcat knelt to look down it’s throat but her vision began to blur as power flowed into her.
“Oh fuck!” she screamed, not sure what was happening.
“Slutcat! Get back!” Sworddog barked, but before she could do much more it was over.
The soldiers began to talk of her as someone called a Dragonborn, though she had no idea what they were talking about. Irileth, iracible as ever, would have no part of it and began the walk back to Whiterun.
“Slutcat? Are you okay?” Sworddog asked.
“I think so. But I think that dragon just spooged me!”
The dog laughed, “Well, if that was dragon-spooge, at least it doesn’t leave a mess you have to wash up!”
“Speaking of which, that Jarl better have saved up for me. I deserve a fucking hosing after that!”
“Your metaphors never cease to both amaze and disgust me, Slutcat.”
“I’m just sayin’”
“Slutcat, you deserve whatever reward you want. And if it’s a ‘hosing’ from the Jarl of Whiterun you dream of, I sincerely hope he covers you from head to toe.”
Slutcat closed her eyes, visualizing her dream scenario.
At the climax of her imagining, the ground shook beneath her feet and a thunderclap was heard.
Slutcat sat down on the path, shaken. “Whoa! That was a damned lucid dream! I must be more desperate than I thought.”
“Sorry Slutcat, that wasn’t your dream. Something happened just now. Did you hear the voice in the thunder?”
Slutcat climbed the entry stairs inside of Dragonreach and was accosted by a rather formidable Dunmer woman.
“What’s the meaning of this interruption? Jarl Balgruuf is not receiving visitors.”
“Whoa! Spent a little too much time in the tanning bed? Relax, I have news of the dragon attack at Helgen. Besides, exactly where do you think I might be smuggling a weapon? Wait… on second thought, don’t answer that.”
The Dunmer put away her sword. “You are not appropriately dressed to meet the Jarl, Khajiit,” she said haughtily, “But I suppose the dress habits of catfolk may be somewhat different from ours here in Whiterun. He will want to talk to you personally. Come.”
Slutcat and Sworddog followed her to a man who sat on what Slutcat could only assume to be a throne, though it looked like little more than an overly-embellished chair.
“So, you were at Helgen? You saw this dragon with your own eyes?”
“Well, mostly I was looking down at the business end of a chopping block, but yes. Nice beard by the way!”
“Thank you Khajiit. You have nice… a nice… you look nice,” the Jarl finally concluded before arguing with a bald man beside him. Finally he commanded the Dunmer woman, Irileth, to send guards to Riverwood to protect it from the dragon.
“Er… I don’t think that will be necessary sir,” Slutcat. “I’ve just spent the last day there and nothing…”
But the Jarl was busy with the bald man beside him who would have slunk away with his tail between his legs, if he’d had any tail. Irileth left to carry out the Jarl’s command, leaving her and Sworddog alone with the man.
“Well done. You sought me out, on your own initiative. You’ve done Whiterun a service, and I won’t forget it. Here, take this as a small token of my esteem.”
With that he handed her a piece of armor. She accepted it gratefully and stowed it in her Inventory, knowing it was unlikely to ever be worn but she knew she could always sell it. She considered if it might bring more if she could get him to autograph it, but remembered that it was unlikely he knew how to write.
He continued, “There is another thing you could do for me. Suitable for someone of your particular talents, perhaps.”
“Oh Mr. Jarl! We’ve only just met, but I’d been hoping… Certainly! I would love to show you my talents! I’m told I’m particularly gifted at ‘oral’ but a man of your distinction would have to be the judge of that. However, I would really love to feel your beard against my…”
But the Jarl wasn’t done talking, “Come, let’s go find Farengar, my court wizard.”
“Another? It’s a bit kinky, but given my recent dry spell I’m game for anything!” Slutcat said as she followed the Jarl to a room nearby.
The man the Jarl introduced her to was clad in a wizard robe and obviously was a person of some note here. “Farengar, I think I’ve found someone who can help you with your dragon project. Go ahead and fill her in with all the details.”
Suddenly Slutcat realized her mistake.
“Just… dragon stuff is all you want me for?” she said forlornly to the Jarl before he left them.
“Oh well. I guess I was aiming too high,” Slutcat said after the Jarl had left the room. She turned her attention to the Mage.
“You know,” she said. “I’m a bit of a mage myself…”
Slutcat hopped onto his desk and sprawled across it seductively.
“Want to make some magic?”
“Everyone’s a mage it seems. No cat, what I really want is an artifact hidden in Bleak Falls Barrow. It’s called the Dragonstone and shows where all the dragons are buried throughout Skyrim!”
“Oh,” Slutcat said, producing the Dragonstone from her inventory. “You mean this little thing?”
“The DRAGONSTONE? How did you get that?!”
“Some guy in Riverwood needed me to fetch something from the Barrow. I found this while I was in there. What will you give me for it?”
“Give you? I’ve got some spells and the like… and a little coin if that’s what you’re after.”
“What I’m after, Gandalf, is a man. Right here. Right now…” she said and struck a pose that left absolutely no doubt as to what she wanted.
“Oh my! You’re certainly… flexible!”
“You’ve no idea. Listen Merlin, I really really need a man right now and you’re the one I’ve got. Now don’t be coy, let’s see what you’ve got under those robes!”
“The name is Farengar Secret-Fire, cat. I’ve heard you Khajiits get really frisky when you’re in heat though. Just for the sake of my research of course – let’s do this!”
“Finally!” Slutcat said, leaning back and getting comfortable. “Let’s see about that Secret Fire! Plow me like your grandfather’s 40 acres!”
“Farengar!” came the voice of Irileth. “Farengar, you need to come at once. A dragon’s been sighted nearby.”
The mage quickly readjusted his clothing as the Housecarl of Dragonsreach ran into the room.
“GODDAMMIT!!!” Slutcat screamed.
“A dragon! How exciting! Where was it seen? What was it doing?” Farengar asked Irileth excitedly.
Slutcat swung around and exposed her ass to Farengar, “How about this way? Cats can do doggy!”
But her attempt was doomed to failure as Farengar left the room with Irileth.
“I’LL DO AAAAAAAAAAANAL!!!!” Slutcat screamed across the palace.
“Give it up girl, it’s not happening,” Sworddog said. “Though the doggy style was a nice touch.”
The cat began to cry.
Irileth came back in then, “Keep it down slut cat! Now follow me. The Jarl wants you too.”
Slutcat sniffled but climbed down off the desk.
“Wow!”, she said to Sworddog as she followed the Dunmer, her mood improving. “How did she know my name?”
Slutcat and Sworddog crossed the little bridge out of Riverwood. Though she’d gotten directions from Ralof before he left, Slutcat was nonetheless happy to see a signpost on the road pointing directions to the major cities.
“Not exactly a GPS, but it will have to do,” Slutcat said.
“You know, it’s not a true vector. A true vector needs direction AND speed – or in this case, distance.”
Slutcat looked at the dog confused. “What?”
“Oh, never mind. At least we can read the writing. Apparently the language hasn’t morphed at all in these thousands of years.”
“Good thing too,” Slutcat noted, “or we couldn’t understand a word they say!”
Sworddog looked troubled by that. “Maybe the WABAC machine took care of that?”
“Sure it did, Sworddog. Sure it did…”
As they turned a corner of the path, a wolf leaped out at them, but before Slutcat could even bring her Sparks to bear, Sworddog had it’s throat ripped out.
“You know, you’re getting awfully good at that,” she said as she doused her spells.
“I am, aren’t I? I’m kind of proud of myself! Not bad for a domesticated science-dog.” she barked.
“But really you should let me get a few. I’ll never level up at this rate.”
“Oh… yeah. Good point. Okay, you get the next one.”
Instead of another wolf, it was another Khajiit that they next met. Clad in a orange robe, he spoke in an odd accent.
“M’aiq wishes you well,” he said in greeting.
“Well, that’s nice,” Slutcat said in return. “Whoever M’aiq is. I’m Slutcat and this is Sworddog. We’re headed for Whiterun. What’s your name?”
The Khajiit cocked his head sideways, as if not understanding her. “This one’s name is M’aiq.”
“Which one of what?”
“M’aiq’s father was also called M’aiq. As was M’aiq’s father’s father. At least, that’s what his father said.”
“Whose father?”
“M’aiq’s father.”
Slutcat scratched her head and looked at her companion, “Do you know what he’s talking about?”
“Not a clue.”
“Well,” Slutcat said as she left the fellow Khajiit behind, “You and M’aiq have a nice trip.”
“Warm sands to you,” he replied as she walked away.
“That was weird.”
Then they saw the city through a gap in some trees.
“Oh! Quite a bit bigger than Riverrun and Helgen!” Slutcat said happily.
“Indeed. A walled city. But be careful still, Slutcat. Even in the cities, this place will be more barbaric than anything you know.”
“All I know is there will be more men!”
“Speaking of which, I’m surprised you didn’t jump on that Khajiit. You were pretty restrained for… you.”
“Oh, him? Hell no! A Khajiit is the last man I want to fuck! They don’t have birth control here you know.”
“Ah… I see. At least you have some scruples.”
Finally they emerged from the hills and were on a path on the flat area outside the city where they passed some small buildings and farms when they heard the sound of a fight nearby. Slutcat ran towards the sound and Sworddog shook her head before racing after.
What she saw was two women and a man fighting a giant in a potato field. Slutcat had her Spark spell out and was attacking the giant from behind while the others were keeping it’s attention. Before long it was dead and one of the women stepped up and thanked Slutcat for her assistance.
“You handle yourself well. You could make for a decent Shield-Sister,” she said, shaking the Khajiit’s hand with enough gusto to shake Slutcat’s boobs and smiling broadly.
“Oh, thank you lady,” Slutcat said, retrieving her hand. “But I’m more into Sword-Brothers I’m afraid.”
“An outsider, eh? I’m Aela and this is Farkas and Ria. Never heard of the Companions? An order of warriors. We are brothers and sisters in honor. And we show up to solve problems if the coin is good enough. We don’t have a mage though. If you’d be interested, we could use you!”
“Well, if the other men look anything like him, count me in!” Slutcat said enthusiastically, but then looked down at her fur-covered body adding modestly, “If you don’t mind a furry person that is.”
Aela looked at Farkas who returned the look. “Fur… doesn’t bother us,” she said, turning back to Slutcat. “You could say we’re used to it.”
“Well that sounds wonderful! But I’ve got to go meet with the Jarl first. After that I’ll drop by. But… before I go…”
Slutcat licked her paw wetly, stepping close to Aela and whispering. “Sorry, but you got some schmutz on your face here. I’ll just…. Stand still for a sec…”
“I’m not sure your invitation still stands, Slutcat.”
“Well dammit, how was I to know she wanted it on there? It looked like mud to me!” Slutcat said dejectedly as they approached the city gates, rubbing her cheek.
“Slapped you pretty good did she?”
“I’ll say! Strong bitch, that woman!”
“HALT!” said one of the two guards at the gate. “The city’s not open to business from the likes of you, Khajiit.”
It took a couple of minutes for Slutcat to tell of her mission to the guard. However, when she’d explained her business with the Jarl, he relented and allowed them to pass.
“You know, Mr. Guard… I may be here a few days. Maybe you’d like to come visit me at the local inn?”
“Ma’am!”, he protested. “I’m a married man!”
Slutcat looked at the other guard conspiratorially.
“Oh! I see how it is,” she said, practically climbing on top of the guard. She whispered into the helmet. “It can be our little secret. Just drop by and ask for Slutcat. No, no need to say anything now. I’ll be waiting.”
“You sure know how to win friends and influence people, Slutcat,” said the dog as they crossed the small bridge inside the gate.
Slutcat was rubbing her ass now where she’d been tossed by the ungrateful guard. Yet just a few minutes later…
“I’m telling you, I just have a naturally friendly face! Why, in the last 5 minutes I’ve had 3 strangers tell me all about their personal and business lives!”
“I know! It’s like these people are desperate to talk to anyone.”
“Not anyone,” Slutcat protested. “It’s my adorable and open face. I’m just naturally trustworthy.”
“Well, you certainly are ‘open’ anyway.”
Finally after a few stops for directions, the two were climbing up the stairs to Dragonsreach.
“Pretty impressive palace. You think he’s compensating?”
“Sworddog, I don’t care if his dick is the size of a little toe right now! Besides, they’ve all got tongues anyway.”
“Slutcat! You’re getting sluttier than ever!”
“Hell yes I am. Your tongue is starting to look good to me.”
“Whoa! Now Slutcat… let’s not go there.”
“I don’t give a fuck because I don’t get a fuck! Hey, I’m gonna get some before the day ends no matter what!” she said and strolled into the Jarl’s palace as if she owned the place.
“Hey, I doubt it!” said Sworddog looking at the camera before following her inside.
Slutcat and Sworddog climbed down from the cliff they had emerged onto and looked around to get their bearings.
“I think that’s the river we walked beside the other day with Ralof. If I’m right, there should be a path just across on the other side of the river and Riverwood should be off to our left,” said Sworddog.
Slutcat looked around and agreed with Sworddog’s assessment and they headed to the river.
“Do you want me to take off your armor to swim?” Slutcat asked, but Sworddog shook her head.
“No need, it’s not that heavy. Let’s go.”
And with that they headed out into the stream.
As predicted they found the path once they’d swam across the river and they started walking towards Riverwood.
“Come on!” Slutcat said, picking up the pace and running. “I want to see how much we’ll get for this claw!”
Sworddog kept up as best she could, but suddenly she saw Slutcat come to a halt ahead.
“What is it?” Sworddog said as she caught up with her friend.
“Something over there… growling. I think it’s one of your wolf studs,” Slutcat said, readying her Sparks.
“Oh for heaven’s sake, Slutcat, put those away. They won’t be needed. I see him.
A large grey wolf came cautiously towards Slutcat and Sworddog, the latter of which made some whining noises and approached the wolf cautiously.
"Aww! He’s so cute!” Slutcat said, stepping towards the wolf and apparently ready to pet the beast.
“Slutcat, if you take one more step I am quite certain he will tear your throat out. Why don’t you just go on to Riverwood? I’ll meet you there.”
“Oh! Well, okay. I’ll either be at the store or at the inn. It may be morning, but I feel a little thirsty! Wow! He’s really… frisky isn’t he!? Are you sure you’ll be okay!”
“Yeow! That’s a really cold nose you’ve got there big boy!” Sworddog said, ignoring Slutcat.
Slutcat decided Sworddog knew best so she went on to Riverwood alone.
First she stopped in at the Riverwood Trader, where the shopkeeper was overjoyed to see his Golden Claw returned. He handed Slutcat 400 gold, which she felt was maybe a little less than deserved, but she took it without complaint. She was even able to sell some of the items she had found in the Barrow as well, essentially bankrupting the good shopkeeper of gold before she’d sold everything.
“Say, now that you’ve got some gold, maybe there’s a thing or two I could sell you? Surely you could use some Health Potions?” he offered.
“Now that you mention it, yes I could! I think four. And give me some of those Magic potions too.”
“Oh! A mage are you? Certainly! How many?”
“Four of those too. Yeah, I’m learning anyway.”
“You should go to the College in Winterhold. They teach mages up there.”
“Oh? I might just have to do so!” Slutcat said, putting away the potions in her inventory. She bought a couple of spell-books as well, then turned back around and sold the shopkeeper some more odds and ends she’d brought back from the Barrow as well.
When she left the shop, there was no sign of Sworddog so she headed to the Sleeping Giant Inn. Of course, the place was deserted save for the bartender at this time of day. She double-checked in fact, then strode over to him with her most sultry walk.
“Slow morning?” she asked. He looked up at her and blinked hard, twice.
“What’s wrong? Cat got your tongue?”
“Good morning,” he said, gulping. “What can I get you?”
“Oh I’ve just spent the most HORRIBLE night up in that Barrow”, she said.
Disregarding the various bottles and cheeses on the bar, she jumping up to sit directly on the bar top.
“You wouldn’t believe the things I had to do to survive in there! It just makes me shudder. Those dead things. I tell you they were awful. And me all alone but for my trusty dog. It really makes you yearn for life, you know?” she said, emphasizing her breasts by stretching her arms up over her head.
“You went in the Barrow?!” the bartender said, incredulously.
Slutcat smiled inwardly though, noticing that his gaze was a little lower than it had any right to be.
“Oh yes!” Slutcat said, laying across the bar and knocking over various bottles as she told her tale of woe to the bartender, making sure the most interesting parts of her were right in front of him.
“And that’s not all,” she swooned. “There were bandits too! Terrible men. They tried to do such things to me. Lusty, depraved things. Why, if it weren’t for my brave dog, who knows what terrible fate would have awaited me? But now I’m back here, back among civilized men like yourself. Oh it makes me so happy to see a handsome face like yours again.”
“Me? I mean. Well.. thank you! What’s your name Miss?”
Slutcat sat up, now sitting facing the bartender directly.
“Oh, names aren’t important are they? What’s important is that we’re here, alive and safe. I want to celebrate life. To celebrate it with a man like you. Oh good bartender, show me life and love right here. Let me remember that I’m a woman, and not one of those horrendous creatures. Make sweet, sweet love to me right here, behind the bar. That’s all the privacy I require. I need to feel the warmth of a man pressing against me. That’s what I need. Surely you wouldn’t deprive someone so THIRSTY as I am of a little of your time would you? Why, it’s practically your duty as the bartender to please you patrons isn’t it!?”
The man was obviously flustered, but she could sense interest too. She smiled inwardly. This is one that would not get away!
“What? You want me to…”
And with that she grabbed him around the waist and neck and wrapped her legs around his back, forcing him to hold her to him.
“Oh, do I have to say it? Would you make me spell it out so boldly and clearly? Ravish me good barkeep! Have your way with me. Make me your woman, if only for an hour. Let me feel your warmth and heat so I can forget those cold, dead things that walk the Barrow. I am ready for you. I am yours!” she said, grinding her bottom against him as her legs pulled him even tighter.
“He hasn’t even mopped the floor back here yet, cat,” said a gruff but feminine voice beside her.
“DELPHINE!” the bartender cried.
Suddenly the bartender stopped supporting her ass and Slutcat scrabbled in vain to hold onto his neck. When she picked herself up off the floor, she couldn’t help but feel the stickiness on her rear that proved the newcomer’s words to be true.
Slutcat stood up, indignant. “Who are you and what business of yours what me and this fine gentleman do!?” Slutcat demanded.
She didn’t see the bartender shaking his head.
“My name is Delphine and I am the owner of this business! I’d say that makes what you and this ‘fine gentleman’ do my business wouldn’t you say?”
Slutcat was momentarily at a loss for words.
“Now get out, you! This may not be high end Inn, but we’re not some sort of halfway house for furry hussies either!” Delphine said, and her surprisingly strong hands grabbed Slutcat unceremoniously and practically dragged her bodily to the door.
As the door swung open, Slutcat was glad to see Sworddog sitting watching outside.
“AND STAY OUT YOU WHORE!” Delphine screamed, ejecting Slutcat bodily as heads in the street turned. For the second time in as many minutes, her butt hit the floor. She stood up, mustering as much dignity as she could and pretended she had fallen on her ass intentionally as she walked down the stairs.
“I’m not a whore you bitch! I’m a slut! There’s a difference!”
Sworddog looked up at Slutcat.
“No big loss, it was a shitty Inn anyway. Probably had stale beer,” she said stalking out of Riverwood.
Sworddog said nothing as Slutcat sulked.
“So how was your fuck?” she finally said as they reached the edge of Riverwood. “Did your wolf lover hump the shit out of you?”
“Now now Slutcat. There’s no need to be vulgar.”
Slutcat sulked silently a little more as they crossed the bridge and headed towards Whiterun.
“If you’re really interested, he was an attentive and quite enthusiastic lover, thank you for asking,” Sworddog said.
Slutcat’s anger finally broke at that. “Dammit Sworddog, all I want is a little physical love! Is that so much to ask? Even my own dog scores more than me!”
“Well, there’s always the next town Slutcat. And I’m not your dog, but I appreciate the thought anyway.”
slutcatandsworddog 