Bad Ass

“What a nice breakfast that was!” Sworddog said the next morning after they’d risen with the miners.

“Indeed! I don’t know what spice they put in that sausage, but it was excellent!” Lydia agreed.

“Absolutely excellent,” Slutcat agreed, smacking her lips. “Though really Lydia, I don’t think it was necessary to do that fellatio imitation on that sausage. That’s a little overkill.”

“Oh? You think so? I was just putting on a show for them.”

“I think that guy beside you burst his underwear!”

Sworddog spoke up then. “Not him, but my nose doesn’t lie about such things. Annekke was quite turned on.”

“REALLY?” both the bipeds laughed.

“She seemed such a stalwart type too,” Slutcat said.

“Well, it does explain why she didn’t put up a fuss at our ‘armor’.”

“And why she stayed up all night ‘guarding’ over us while we…”

“Ah! It all comes clear now.”

The three continued up the trail, content now with food, the day, and life in general. Even Sworddog was as happy as Slutcat had ever seen her.

Slutcat began to sing a bawdy song she’d learned and the other two joined in as they walked, even if the actions were quite impossible for Sworddog. But even she could appreciate the humor.

It was approaching midmorning when they came upon a fortress, and Slutcat stopped at a nearby bridge to rest a bit.

“Awful quiet for this time of day,” Lydia pointed out. “Unusually. That’s Fort Amol. Last I heard it was held by the Stormcloaks. But they’d be up and around by now. You want to skirt around it?”

“Stormcloaks eh? My friend Ralof was a Stormcloak. No, let’s see what’s going on. Maybe he’s there.”

“Slutcat, there are lots of Stormcloaks. The odds aren’t good.”

“Well, they treated me better than the Imperials have so far. Come on. We won’t go in. Just see what’s going on.

As they approached the Fort, no sounds were heard within so they headed towards the gate. But then Sworddog smelled something.

"Death,” she said quietly. “There are bodies beyond that wall.”

Slutcat looked at Lydia, who nodded back towards the trail, but she shook her head and prepped her Sparks why Lydia slid her sword out.

As they approached the gate, they say a body in Stormcloak armor laying just outside the gate. The gate was open, but within another body could be seen. Charred.

“Dark mage,” whispered Lydia, “at least one, but they rarely are alone.”

“Halt!” suddenly came a voice from the wall over the gate. "That’s far enough!“

A head came into view. Dark elf. And by the robe, it appeared Lydia was right. A mage.

Slutcat stopped and thought about going back, but the helmeted body by the gate bothered her. His shoulders had been strong and wide, just like Ralof’s. She got an idea.

"No problem mage! No problem! We’re just scavenging. Mind if we loot that body over there? We won’t go inside.”

“Mmmm,” the dark elf mused. “Well… you’re surely not warriors dressed like that. I suppose. But if you step one foot within the gate, you will die. Understand?”

“S… sure! Thanks!”

“Go ahead. Take his clothes. You obviously need them bad.”

Slutcat approached the body. However, as she knelt beside it, she could see through the helmet that it wasn’t Ralof.

“What do you think?” Sworddog asked quietly.

“Lydia, this isn’t Ralof. But it could have been. I don’t give a fart about this whole Stormcloaks vs Imperials business. It’s not my fight. But this mage… or THESE people if there are more, they killed a friend of my friend. Do you think we can take them?”

Lydia eyed the mage peering over the wall.

“Definitely,” she smiled.

“Sworddog?”

“Let me at ’em,” she replied, growling.

“In that case…”

The three ran through the gate, Slutcat first with her sparks flying as she backed into the courtyard within, focusing her magic on the mage overhead. The fireball at his hands was unmistakable but she just ran to the side and up some stairs, all the while continuing to lay into him with the sparks.

A second mage hit her from behind just as the first one went down. She spun to face him but Sworddog was already on him as soon as he’d stepped out from behind a wall. Slutcat never had time to cast another spell as Lydia finished him off. Slutcat looked over the corpse for useful items, finding a healing potion.

“There’ll be more inside. Is this enough or do you want to really clean house?”

“Just call me the Lusty Khajiit Maid!” she cried, blood fever and adrenaline pumping through her now and they entered a nearby doorway.

Within, they killed everyone the met, even a more powerful mage. The combination of Sworddog running in to distract, Slutcat using her ranged Sparks spell to begin wearing them down while they focused on the fast canine, and then an old-fashioned sword wielded by a sword-maiden of no light talent, proved unstoppable for a pack of surprised dark mages.

Finally Slutcat found herself on a high platform at the top of the fortress, facing off against the most powerful mage yet. She ignored the magic-draining cold of his Frost spell, however, and used all she had in a simple, two-handed beam of power to test whose magic would hold out longest. She heard Sworddog barking as she came up behind her, but she called her back.

“No! No Sworddog. I’ve got this. I’ve got this bastard!”

The confident look on the mage’s face began to fade as she steadfastly refused to go down, her magic reserves apparently much greater than he expected. He began to falter. She just advanced upon him, feeling the energy leaving her body but knowing it was slamming into her enemy. She could almost see his health bar draining steadily, steadily. She certainly felt his frost spell. This was not like up at High Hrothgar, but she refused to acknowledge it and kept advancing to where he stood within a circle of candles, the dead body of a Stormguard nearby.

He began to scream his rage, but she didn’t hesitate. She kept coming, step by inexorible step.

And then it was over. He fell to his knees, his frost spell sputtering out. But Slutcat did not stop. She stood over him and emptied the last of her power directly at his head. And then he was dead.

And she collapsed.

“Slutcat!” cried Sworddog with Lydia right behind her.

“Slutcat, you’re a fool for not letting us help!” Lydia said, but Slutcat was already recovering as she downed a bottle of Healing.

“She…” Slutcat said, indicating the Stormcloak.

“Huh?”

Slutcat rose and stepped to the body of the soldier and removed her helmet.

“She demanded it. You won’t understand. But she helped me, somehow. Gave me reserves. Lady, whoever you were, you are avenged.”

Sworddog looked to Lydia.

“Could be. The recently dead… Who’s to say where they are and what they’re capable of?”

The three climbed down from the walls and left the fort.

“Should we do anything for them?” Lydia asked as they passed the body outside.

“There’s nothing to be done for them. They aren’t here. This is just meat,” Slutcat said.

“Still. It’s important meat. To someone.”

“Yeah. It is. Or it was. I forget what a violent place this is sometimes. But we’ve got things to do.”

“On to the horn?” Lydia asked.

“To the Horn!” Slutcat cried, raising a fist in mock jubilation.

Sworddog picked up on it. Sometimes mock bravery was just as good as the real thing. Sometimes it WAS the real thing.

“Three Bad-Ass Bitches!” Sworddog declared.

“That’s right!” Lydia agreed.

“Three Bad-Ass Bitches!” Slutcat laughed. “Wait… hold on a second…”

“What?” Lydia asked.

“I know. Where do you want me, Slutcat?”

“Right in the middle. Now Lydia, you stand over there…”

“Er… okay…”

“Now, spread your legs apart.”

“Wait, is this some sex thing?” Lydia asked.

“Go on, just do it. Oh, pull your sword out too. It’s bad-ass-er.”

“Like this?”

“Perfect.”

“Now what…”

“Give a mean angry face and just stand there for one… two… three…”

“BAD ASS!”

S&S Prelude #1

This post was inspired by a silly question. I ran with it and turned it into a bit of a backstory for Slutcat and Sworddog. It’s not complete, though I don’t plan to do another Prelude anytime soon either. Just think of it as a peek into S&S pre-Skyrim (or very, very POST-Skyrim depending on your point of view!) And sorry, no images with this one.

The year was 3021 by current convention when the genius canine, K10 of Theatus, created the first and only chronological anomaly in her government-funded laboratory up to that time. Yet, as ground-breaking as this discovery was, it was not her primary mandate. Instead, her goal was to discover the cause and limits of the phenomenon known as the Reverse Proportionality Rule. The RPR had changed warfare in a fundamental way, and eventually was responsible for ending physical combat globally, though that was still decades away.

However, though the Rule’s effects were well known, little was understood about it’s origin, and even less about it’s limits. The Rule, as currently understood, was simple enough…

“Any personal combat armor, regardless of material, worn by a fit and nubile female of human or humanoid type, will see it’s effectiveness increase in reverse proportion to the amount of physical coverage provided.”

When discovered, this Rule revolutionized warfare in a way that had not been seen in the history of Mundus. Tamriel discovered the rule first when an unwilling civilian, code named ‘Slutcat’, was thrust into battle via unusual circumstances. The projectile-limiting SloAir device was actively engaged in the battle at the time, forcing the combatants into physical melee alone. Though she was totally unequipped for battle, nonetheless she survived the encounter unscathed while nearly all of the military forces were decimated around her.

When the government learned of this miraculous event, Slutcat was taken to K10 for examination. As the inventor of the SloAir device and widely acknowledged to be the most intelligent mortal being on the planet, K10 was the best qualified and trusted scientist for this research. She had already been provided unlimited funds for further research on all things Military, as the ongoing conflict with Akavir had not been going well for Tamriel until the SloAir device was created. Yet this new phenomenon threatened to reverse the gains that had been made in the war if exploited by the enemy, so K10 was called in to research the situation.

Although her tests with the subject, Slutcat, were kept secret from the public, there was still much debate among those scientists, psychoanalysts, and military leaders as she began to publish her findings. At her request, however, K10 operated above the watchful eye of the bureaucracy. Even her location was kept in utmost secrecy. So when videos of Slutcat and K10 at a common public house were made known, it caused a clamor among the governmental officials that demanded more stringent oversight of the RPR project. However, no matter how much they railed and protested, K10 was simply too valuable to risk, and those in the very topmost positions refused to interfere with her research.

Meanwhile, the debate over the RPR in the scientific community continued to rage as K10’s reports became known. Two schools of thought on the subject had emerged. First, the school of Bumps maintained that the RPR was manifested most clearly when at least one of the three primary erogenous ‘bumps’ on the female body was covered – those being the nipples and clitoris. Less than that and the RPR was rendered invalid. Testing indicated, surprisingly, that the looser the covering, the better. And it didn’t appear to matter if the assailant was male or female or even bestial. Higher protectiveness values even seemed to originate when the bumps were only barely covered, and especially when that covering was very prone to exposure.

But those in the Bump train of thought were rivaled by a strong contingent of believers of the ‘Holes’ theory. They argued that the RPR was contingent not on the covering of the bumps, but in coverage of at least one of the four ‘holes’. Opponents protested the lack of any simple ‘hole’ in the nipples, but Holers maintained that such arguments were merely pedantic. In fact, the number of those in the Bumps camp were outnumbered by those in the Holes camp significantly. Yet the Holes camp lacked unity, as a sizable portion of them had come to the conclusion that it was not the covering of the Holes that mattered. Instead, they believed that the phenomenon was based on impermeability. That is, the RPR protectiveness quotient was attributable not to the visibility of the Holes, but simply by their inability to be penetrated easily. Thus, the ultimate RPR armor could be completely transparent and slutty, so long as the actual holes in question were blocked in such a way as to limit access to them physically.

In fact, shortly before the Anomaly discovery, K10 had published the results of her own testing on the subject. Using microfiber technology, she had created a new type of RPR armor that was nearly invisible, rendering the subject (Slutcat) naked for all practical purposes. Yet the armor showed the highest recorded RPR values yet seen. However, the armor was functionally impractical as the fiber must be of the sheerest and most fragile nature to be effective. More substantial thread actually decreased the RPR value.

While all this was being debated in the highest scientific circles, however, K10 and Slutcat were having a ball.

“You mean,” said Slutcat as she downed her third beer at a bar they had been frequenting lately, “you told them THAT?!”

Sworddog didn’t drink alcohol, but she laughed just the same. “Yeah! Spiderwebs! The ultimate RPR armor! They ate it up!”

“Jeeze, Kay, will they buy ANYTHING you give them?”

The dog nodded, a mischievous glint in her eye. “Apparently! As long as I keep sending them occasional useful gadgets. But don’t call me Kay. My new anti-surveillance field works perfectly, of course, but I can’t stop people from overhearing, and they might put 2 and 2 together.”

Slutcat flashed a tit at the bartender to get his attention. “Another please!” she requested.

“Sure thing!” he said, turning to pour her fourth.

“What should I call you then?” Slutcat asked. “Fido doesn’t seem right.”

“Naa. Call me…”

“Sworddog!”

“Sword dog? Why Sword dog?”

“Because of that getup you showed me earlier.”

“Oh! My armor! I get it. Well, I think I might need it when we go back. You may be nearly invulnerable there, but since I’m not humanoid, I can’t use RPR.”

“And you’re sure the SloAir device will work there? They’ll have arrows.”

The canine looked thoughtful for a moment. “I’m pretty sure it will. But that’s really not what worries me.”

“Oh? What then?”

“Magic.”

“Magic?” Slutcat said, taking the mug from the bartender and flashing him the other tit.

“Yes. The ancient texts seem quite insistent. They even had schools of Magic of different sorts. I don’t know how to defend against Magic. I’m not sure the RPR even functions against it. I’ve nothing to test against!”

“Mmm. And you believe Magic exists?”

“I can’t rule it out. The RPR itself has got to be a type of magic. No logic in the world can explain it.”

“Well, that’s why we’re going back, right? To experiment?”

“That’s right. But it will be dangerous, even with your RPR outfit.”

“And you too! You don’t even get that protection as a dog. Look, I’m dying to get away. All those big strong men… not like these wimps now-days. I bet they have rock-hard dicks too! Back when a cock was a fucking COCK!”

“Well, we each have our reasons. Slutcat… you know I like you, right? Would you consider me your friend?”

“Oh hell yes! I got you that stud didn’t I? He was nice. If I was a four-legger, I’da jumped him!”

“Indeed, you did. And yes, he was… all I could ever ask for physically. Mentally a nincompoop, of course.”

“Sworddog, compared to you, EVERYONE is a nincompoop.”

The dog laughed her short little laugh.

“That’s true. But you’ve let me get out and loosen up. I like you Slutcat. I really, really want to do this, but I don’t want to force you. There are a million things that could go wrong.”

“You’re not forcing me. Hey, I like you too. You’re a good dog. And you don’t try to scam my men away from me! That’s a plus!”

“And I buy your beer.”

“Hey. You can buy anything you want. I don’t just like you for the stuff. You’re fun to hang out with! I’d like you even if you WEREN’T the great K10.”

“SHHHHH! Jeeze Slutcat!”

“Sorry. Must be the beer. I’m usually more discreet than that.”

“You ready to go back to the lab?”

Slutcat eyed the bartender. He was eyeing her back.

“Give me a half hour, okay?”

K10 sighed. “You are insatiable. I’ll give you an hour. Get it out of your system.”

Slutcat rose and smiled at the dog as she stepped around the end of the bar. The bartender was watching her every move, and his eyes told her all she needed to know.

“I’m about to get it INTO my system. Repeatedly and in very many ways I hope! I’ll be in the back room if you need me… But… Don’t need me. I’ll be back in an hour.”

“Okay. But try and leave him at least mobile this time, okay?” Sworddog said as the Khajiit and the Human bartender spoke quietly.

She could hear them, of course, but she chose not to. Instead, she switched the anti-surveillance device to “Annoy” and turned it on the other patrons. Shortly the bar was empty save for K10 and the rather noisy pair in the back room.

Reunited

“Oh my!” said one of the villagers in the little settlement that Slutcat and Lydia emerged into from the river.

“Sorry,” Slutcat said. “We… sort of went over the falls and don’t have any clothes or anything.”

“All back where we came from,” Lydia continued.

“You went over the falls! And survived? Like that!?”

Slutcat looked at Lydia, who just shrugged.

“Um… yeah. We did!”

“Well for heaven’s sake, let me get the menfolk out of sight of you and I’ll get you some clothes! My name is Annekke. Annekke Crag-Jumper.”

She then turned to another woman nearby, “Tormir, do me a favor and keep the men out of camp till I can get these ladies some clothes, would you?”

The other assented and was gone.

“Well, I’m no Lady, Annekke, but they call me Slutcat. And this is Lydia.”

The woman scowled a bit at Slutcat but her eyes grew wide when she heard Lydia’s name.

“Lydia from Whiterun?! I met you once years ago at one of the Jarl’s banquets! Do you remember me?”

“Sadly, no Annekke. But I met a lot of people when I was in Jarl Baalgruf’s court. Please don’t be offended.”

“Offended?! I’m honored! Pardon me, but, if you don’t mind me asking… what brings you out here? With… her?”

“Looks can be deceiving, Annekke. You are addressing a Thane of Whiterun. This is Slutcat, dragonslayer, barrow-walker and adventurer. She may be a bit… lusty shall we say? But her and her companion have already served the Jarl of Whiterun honorably and bravely!”

Annekke knelt in front of Slutcat. “I’m sorry Thane! I meant no disrespect!”

“Rise, Annekke of Darkwater Crossing. You didn’t know me. But I tell you what. How about you just give Lydia your clothes? Right here. Right now. They look like they’d fit close enough.”

The woman began undressing immediately. Slutcat turned around to Lydia who had a scowl, but Slutcat could also see the smirk underneath it. She shrugged turned back to the woman as she stripped naked.

“Nice. Thank you Annekke!” Slutcat said as she handed the clothes to Lydia who put them on quickly.

“Any chance for some food? We’ve not eaten all day,” Slutcat continued.

“I’ll bring you something right away!” Annekke said, then scurried off to her house.

Later, after they’d eaten, Slutcat were lounging near the fire.

“Now, is there anywhere we can spend the night? It’s getting late and I’d like to stay around here so my friend can find us.”

“You’re welcome to stay in my house! Right over there! It would be an honor!”

“Thanks, Annekke, but I think I’d prefer to stay out here really. My friend can’t open doors, but she can find us if we stay out here.”

“Oh! Well you’re certainly welcome to make use of our tents! How about these two?” Annekke offered, gesturing to a couple of the nearby tents.

Slutcat looked at Lydia, who was bent over putting her legs into her pants at the moment. The sight was… stimulating.

“Just one will do fine,” she said with a grin.

Annekke looked from her to Lydia, then back to Slutcat. “Oh! It’s like that?”

Slutcat shrugged. “It’s like that tonight. Ask again tomorrow. But yes. One will do.”

Lydia slid close to Slutcat and whispered, “Slutcat. You’re pushing too hard. These are poor miners. Let’s not sponge too much off of them!”

“Oh, I know. What can I say? She pissed me off earlier. I’ll let up on her though.”

It was then, just as the last light in the sky was fading that a familiar form trotted up.

“SWORDDOG!” Slutcat cried and ran to embrace the bitch.

“Good to see you too! Both of you!” Sworddog said happily, her tail wagging unapologetically. “I didn’t think you could have survived that!”

“Nearly didn’t! But Lydia saved me at least a couple of times.”

“Thank you Lydia. Slutcat, you may be a slut, but I’d be lost here without you!” the dog admitted.

“Well,” Lydia said. “At least we can get our regular stuff back on. Already I’m tired of wearing normal clothes! I can’t BREATHE in this thing!”

“I have a better idea,” Slutcat grinned. “Let’s check out the tent! You can breathe all over then.”

A few hours later, during a lull in the action, the two were relaxing within the rather airy pup tent.

“So, do you want to help them out with that mine business?” Lydia asked the khajiit.

“Naa. Maybe some other time. Right now I’d like to finish the Greybeards’ quest and avoid getting sidetracked.”

“Your wish is my command, Thane,” Lydia nodded.

“And right now I have another wish. Get thee betweeneth my legs, Housecarl!”

“Again?! Slutcat, I don’t know if my tongue can take anymore!”

“Think of it as endurance training!” she commanded.

“Slutcat,” Sworddog said.

“Mmmmmm… Hm? What?”

“I know you said you’d never let me out of your sight again… but…”

“OH! Yes! Right like that Lydia! OHHHH! MMmmmmm… you were saying, Sworddog?”

“I’m just not comfortable watching you two go at it like this,” the dog whimpered.

“Oh, sorry. Go on. We’ll be done… eventually.”