Beards, Robes and Frustration

Slutcat climbed the entry stairs inside of Dragonreach and was accosted by a rather formidable Dunmer woman.

“What’s the meaning of this interruption? Jarl Balgruuf is not receiving visitors.”

“Whoa! Spent a little too much time in the tanning bed? Relax, I have news of the dragon attack at Helgen. Besides, exactly where do you think I might be smuggling a weapon? Wait… on second thought, don’t answer that.”

The Dunmer put away her sword. “You are not appropriately dressed to meet the Jarl, Khajiit,” she said haughtily, “But I suppose the dress habits of catfolk may be somewhat different from ours here in Whiterun. He will want to talk to you personally. Come.”

Slutcat and Sworddog followed her to a man who sat on what Slutcat could only assume to be a throne, though it looked like little more than an overly-embellished chair.

“So, you were at Helgen? You saw this dragon with your own eyes?”

“Well, mostly I was looking down at the business end of a chopping block, but yes. Nice beard by the way!”

“Thank you Khajiit. You have nice… a nice… you look nice,” the Jarl finally concluded before arguing with a bald man beside him. Finally he commanded the Dunmer woman, Irileth, to send guards to Riverwood to protect it from the dragon.

“Er… I don’t think that will be necessary sir,” Slutcat. “I’ve just spent the last day there and nothing…”

But the Jarl was busy with the bald man beside him who would have slunk away with his tail between his legs, if he’d had any tail. Irileth left to carry out the Jarl’s command, leaving her and Sworddog alone with the man.

“Well done. You sought me out, on your own initiative. You’ve done Whiterun a service, and I won’t forget it. Here, take this as a small token of my esteem.”

With that he handed her a piece of armor. She accepted it gratefully and stowed it in her Inventory, knowing it was unlikely to ever be worn but she knew she could always sell it. She considered if it might bring more if she could get him to autograph it, but remembered that it was unlikely he knew how to write.

He continued, “There is another thing you could do for me. Suitable for someone of your particular talents, perhaps.”

“Oh Mr. Jarl! We’ve only just met, but I’d been hoping… Certainly! I would love to show you my talents! I’m told I’m particularly gifted at ‘oral’ but a man of your distinction would have to be the judge of that. However, I would really love to feel your beard against my…”

But the Jarl wasn’t done talking, “Come, let’s go find Farengar, my court wizard.”

“Another? It’s a bit kinky, but given my recent dry spell I’m game for anything!” Slutcat said as she followed the Jarl to a room nearby.

The man the Jarl introduced her to was clad in a wizard robe and obviously was a person of some note here. “Farengar, I think I’ve found someone who can help you with your dragon project. Go ahead and fill her in with all the details.”

Suddenly Slutcat realized her mistake.

“Just… dragon stuff is all you want me for?” she said forlornly to the Jarl before he left them.

“Oh well. I guess I was aiming too high,” Slutcat said after the Jarl had left the room. She turned her attention to the Mage.

“You know,” she said. “I’m a bit of a mage myself…”

Slutcat hopped onto his desk and sprawled across it seductively.

“Want to make some magic?”

“Everyone’s a mage it seems. No cat, what I really want is an artifact hidden in Bleak Falls Barrow. It’s called the Dragonstone and shows where all the dragons are buried throughout Skyrim!”

“Oh,” Slutcat said, producing the Dragonstone from her inventory. “You mean this little thing?”

“The DRAGONSTONE? How did you get that?!”

“Some guy in Riverwood needed me to fetch something from the Barrow. I found this while I was in there. What will you give me for it?”

“Give you? I’ve got some spells and the like… and a little coin if that’s what you’re after.”

“What I’m after, Gandalf, is a man. Right here. Right now…” she said and struck a pose that left absolutely no doubt as to what she wanted.

“Oh my! You’re certainly… flexible!”

“You’ve no idea. Listen Merlin, I really really need a man right now and you’re the one I’ve got. Now don’t be coy, let’s see what you’ve got under those robes!”

“The name is Farengar Secret-Fire, cat. I’ve heard you Khajiits get really frisky when you’re in heat though. Just for the sake of my research of course – let’s do this!”

“Finally!” Slutcat said, leaning back and getting comfortable. “Let’s see about that Secret Fire! Plow me like your grandfather’s 40 acres!”

“Farengar!” came the voice of Irileth. “Farengar, you need to come at once. A dragon’s been sighted nearby.”

The mage quickly readjusted his clothing as the Housecarl of Dragonsreach ran into the room.

“GODDAMMIT!!!” Slutcat screamed.

“A dragon! How exciting! Where was it seen? What was it doing?” Farengar asked Irileth excitedly.

Slutcat swung around and exposed her ass to Farengar, “How about this way? Cats can do doggy!”

But her attempt was doomed to failure as Farengar left the room with Irileth.

“I’LL DO AAAAAAAAAAANAL!!!!” Slutcat screamed across the palace.

“Give it up girl, it’s not happening,” Sworddog said. “Though the doggy style was a nice touch.”

The cat began to cry.

Irileth came back in then, “Keep it down slut cat! Now follow me. The Jarl wants you too.”

Slutcat sniffled but climbed down off the desk.

“Wow!”, she said to Sworddog as she followed the Dunmer, her mood improving. “How did she know my name?”

Companions

Slutcat and Sworddog crossed the little bridge out of Riverwood. Though she’d gotten directions from Ralof before he left, Slutcat was nonetheless happy to see a signpost on the road pointing directions to the major cities.

“Not exactly a GPS, but it will have to do,” Slutcat said.

“You know, it’s not a true vector. A true vector needs direction AND speed – or in this case, distance.”

Slutcat looked at the dog confused. “What?”

“Oh, never mind. At least we can read the writing. Apparently the language hasn’t morphed at all in these thousands of years.”

“Good thing too,” Slutcat noted, “or we couldn’t understand a word they say!”

Sworddog looked troubled by that. “Maybe the WABAC machine took care of that?”

“Sure it did, Sworddog. Sure it did…”

As they turned a corner of the path, a wolf leaped out at them, but before Slutcat could even bring her Sparks to bear, Sworddog had it’s throat ripped out.

“You know, you’re getting awfully good at that,” she said as she doused her spells.

“I am, aren’t I? I’m kind of proud of myself! Not bad for a domesticated science-dog.” she barked.

“But really you should let me get a few. I’ll never level up at this rate.”

“Oh… yeah. Good point. Okay, you get the next one.”

Instead of another wolf, it was another Khajiit that they next met. Clad in a orange robe, he spoke in an odd accent.

“M’aiq wishes you well,” he said in greeting.

“Well, that’s nice,” Slutcat said in return. “Whoever M’aiq is. I’m Slutcat and this is Sworddog. We’re headed for Whiterun. What’s your name?”

The Khajiit cocked his head sideways, as if not understanding her. “This one’s name is M’aiq.”

“Which one of what?”

“M’aiq’s father was also called M’aiq. As was M’aiq’s father’s father. At least, that’s what his father said.”

“Whose father?”

“M’aiq’s father.”

Slutcat scratched her head and looked at her companion, “Do you know what he’s talking about?”

“Not a clue.”

“Well,” Slutcat said as she left the fellow Khajiit behind, “You and M’aiq have a nice trip.”

“Warm sands to you,” he replied as she walked away.

“That was weird.”

Then they saw the city through a gap in some trees.

“Oh! Quite a bit bigger than Riverrun and Helgen!” Slutcat said happily.

“Indeed. A walled city. But be careful still, Slutcat. Even in the cities, this place will be more barbaric than anything you know.”

“All I know is there will be more men!”

“Speaking of which, I’m surprised you didn’t jump on that Khajiit. You were pretty restrained for… you.”

“Oh, him? Hell no! A Khajiit is the last man I want to fuck! They don’t have birth control here you know.”

“Ah… I see. At least you have some scruples.”

Finally they emerged from the hills and were on a path on the flat area outside the city where they passed some small buildings and farms when they heard the sound of a fight nearby. Slutcat ran towards the sound and Sworddog shook her head before racing after.

What she saw was two women and a man fighting a giant in a potato field. Slutcat had her Spark spell out and was attacking the giant from behind while the others were keeping it’s attention. Before long it was dead and one of the women stepped up and thanked Slutcat for her assistance.

“You handle yourself well. You could make for a decent Shield-Sister,” she said, shaking the Khajiit’s hand with enough gusto to shake Slutcat’s boobs and smiling broadly.

“Oh, thank you lady,” Slutcat said, retrieving her hand. “But I’m more into Sword-Brothers I’m afraid.”

“An outsider, eh? I’m Aela and this is Farkas and Ria. Never heard of the Companions? An order of warriors. We are brothers and sisters in honor. And we show up to solve problems if the coin is good enough. We don’t have a mage though. If you’d be interested, we could use you!”

“Well, if the other men look anything like him, count me in!” Slutcat said enthusiastically, but then looked down at her fur-covered body adding modestly, “If you don’t mind a furry person that is.”

Aela looked at Farkas who returned the look. “Fur… doesn’t bother us,” she said, turning back to Slutcat. “You could say we’re used to it.”

“Well that sounds wonderful! But I’ve got to go meet with the Jarl first. After that I’ll drop by. But… before I go…”

Slutcat licked her paw wetly, stepping close to Aela and whispering. “Sorry, but you got some schmutz on your face here. I’ll just…. Stand still for a sec…”

“I’m not sure your invitation still stands, Slutcat.”

“Well dammit, how was I to know she wanted it on there? It looked like mud to me!” Slutcat said dejectedly as they approached the city gates, rubbing her cheek.

“Slapped you pretty good did she?”

“I’ll say! Strong bitch, that woman!”

“HALT!” said one of the two guards at the gate. “The city’s not open to business from the likes of you, Khajiit.”

It took a couple of minutes for Slutcat to tell of her mission to the guard. However, when she’d explained her business with the Jarl, he relented and allowed them to pass.

“You know, Mr. Guard… I may be here a few days. Maybe you’d like to come visit me at the local inn?”

“Ma’am!”, he protested. “I’m a married man!”

Slutcat looked at the other guard conspiratorially.

“Oh! I see how it is,” she said, practically climbing on top of the guard. She whispered into the helmet. “It can be our little secret. Just drop by and ask for Slutcat. No, no need to say anything now. I’ll be waiting.”

“You sure know how to win friends and influence people, Slutcat,” said the dog as they crossed the small bridge inside the gate.

Slutcat was rubbing her ass now where she’d been tossed by the ungrateful guard. Yet just a few minutes later…

“I’m telling you, I just have a naturally friendly face! Why, in the last 5 minutes I’ve had 3 strangers tell me all about their personal and business lives!”

“I know! It’s like these people are desperate to talk to anyone.”

“Not anyone,” Slutcat protested. “It’s my adorable and open face. I’m just naturally trustworthy.”

“Well, you certainly are ‘open’ anyway.”

Finally after a few stops for directions, the two were climbing up the stairs to Dragonsreach.

“Pretty impressive palace. You think he’s compensating?”

“Sworddog, I don’t care if his dick is the size of a little toe right now! Besides, they’ve all got tongues anyway.”

“Slutcat! You’re getting sluttier than ever!”

“Hell yes I am. Your tongue is starting to look good to me.”

“Whoa! Now Slutcat… let’s not go there.”

“I don’t give a fuck because I don’t get a fuck! Hey, I’m gonna get some before the day ends no matter what!” she said and strolled into the Jarl’s palace as if she owned the place.

“Hey, I doubt it!” said Sworddog looking at the camera before following her inside.

So Close, Slutcat. So close.

Slutcat and Sworddog climbed down from the cliff they had emerged onto and looked around to get their bearings.

“I think that’s the river we walked beside the other day with Ralof. If I’m right, there should be a path just across on the other side of the river and Riverwood should be off to our left,” said Sworddog.

Slutcat looked around and agreed with Sworddog’s assessment and they headed to the river.

“Do you want me to take off your armor to swim?” Slutcat asked, but Sworddog shook her head.

“No need, it’s not that heavy. Let’s go.”

And with that they headed out into the stream.

As predicted they found the path once they’d swam across the river and they started walking towards Riverwood.

“Come on!” Slutcat said, picking up the pace and running. “I want to see how much we’ll get for this claw!”

Sworddog kept up as best she could, but suddenly she saw Slutcat come to a halt ahead.

“What is it?” Sworddog said as she caught up with her friend.

“Something over there… growling. I think it’s one of your wolf studs,” Slutcat said, readying her Sparks.

“Oh for heaven’s sake, Slutcat, put those away. They won’t be needed. I see him.

A large grey wolf came cautiously towards Slutcat and Sworddog, the latter of which made some whining noises and approached the wolf cautiously.

"Aww! He’s so cute!” Slutcat said, stepping towards the wolf and apparently ready to pet the beast.

“Slutcat, if you take one more step I am quite certain he will tear your throat out. Why don’t you just go on to Riverwood? I’ll meet you there.”

“Oh! Well, okay. I’ll either be at the store or at the inn. It may be morning, but I feel a little thirsty! Wow! He’s really… frisky isn’t he!? Are you sure you’ll be okay!”

“Yeow! That’s a really cold nose you’ve got there big boy!” Sworddog said, ignoring Slutcat.

Slutcat decided Sworddog knew best so she went on to Riverwood alone.

First she stopped in at the Riverwood Trader, where the shopkeeper was overjoyed to see his Golden Claw returned. He handed Slutcat 400 gold, which she felt was maybe a little less than deserved, but she took it without complaint. She was even able to sell some of the items she had found in the Barrow as well, essentially bankrupting the good shopkeeper of gold before she’d sold everything.

“Say, now that you’ve got some gold, maybe there’s a thing or two I could sell you? Surely you could use some Health Potions?” he offered.

“Now that you mention it, yes I could! I think four. And give me some of those Magic potions too.”

“Oh! A mage are you? Certainly! How many?”

“Four of those too. Yeah, I’m learning anyway.”

“You should go to the College in Winterhold. They teach mages up there.”

“Oh? I might just have to do so!” Slutcat said, putting away the potions in her inventory. She bought a couple of spell-books as well, then turned back around and sold the shopkeeper some more odds and ends she’d brought back from the Barrow as well.

When she left the shop, there was no sign of Sworddog so she headed to the Sleeping Giant Inn. Of course, the place was deserted save for the bartender at this time of day. She double-checked in fact, then strode over to him with her most sultry walk.

“Slow morning?” she asked. He looked up at her and blinked hard, twice.

“What’s wrong? Cat got your tongue?”

“Good morning,” he said, gulping. “What can I get you?”

“Oh I’ve just spent the most HORRIBLE night up in that Barrow”, she said.

Disregarding the various bottles and cheeses on the bar, she jumping up to sit directly on the bar top.

“You wouldn’t believe the things I had to do to survive in there! It just makes me shudder. Those dead things. I tell you they were awful. And me all alone but for my trusty dog. It really makes you yearn for life, you know?” she said, emphasizing her breasts by stretching her arms up over her head.

“You went in the Barrow?!” the bartender said, incredulously.

Slutcat smiled inwardly though, noticing that his gaze was a little lower than it had any right to be.

“Oh yes!” Slutcat said, laying across the bar and knocking over various bottles as she told her tale of woe to the bartender, making sure the most interesting parts of her were right in front of him.

“And that’s not all,” she swooned. “There were bandits too! Terrible men. They tried to do such things to me. Lusty, depraved things. Why, if it weren’t for my brave dog, who knows what terrible fate would have awaited me? But now I’m back here, back among civilized men like yourself. Oh it makes me so happy to see a handsome face like yours again.”

“Me? I mean. Well.. thank you! What’s your name Miss?”

Slutcat sat up, now sitting facing the bartender directly.

“Oh, names aren’t important are they? What’s important is that we’re here, alive and safe. I want to celebrate life. To celebrate it with a man like you. Oh good bartender, show me life and love right here. Let me remember that I’m a woman, and not one of those horrendous creatures. Make sweet, sweet love to me right here, behind the bar. That’s all the privacy I require. I need to feel the warmth of a man pressing against me. That’s what I need. Surely you wouldn’t deprive someone so THIRSTY as I am of a little of your time would you? Why, it’s practically your duty as the bartender to please you patrons isn’t it!?”

The man was obviously flustered, but she could sense interest too. She smiled inwardly. This is one that would not get away!

“What? You want me to…”

And with that she grabbed him around the waist and neck and wrapped her legs around his back, forcing him to hold her to him.

“Oh, do I have to say it? Would you make me spell it out so boldly and clearly? Ravish me good barkeep! Have your way with me. Make me your woman, if only for an hour. Let me feel your warmth and heat so I can forget those cold, dead things that walk the Barrow. I am ready for you. I am yours!” she said, grinding her bottom against him as her legs pulled him even tighter.

“He hasn’t even mopped the floor back here yet, cat,” said a gruff but feminine voice beside her.

“DELPHINE!” the bartender cried.

Suddenly the bartender stopped supporting her ass and Slutcat scrabbled in vain to hold onto his neck. When she picked herself up off the floor, she couldn’t help but feel the stickiness on her rear that proved the newcomer’s words to be true.

Slutcat stood up, indignant. “Who are you and what business of yours what me and this fine gentleman do!?” Slutcat demanded.

She didn’t see the bartender shaking his head.

“My name is Delphine and I am the owner of this business! I’d say that makes what you and this ‘fine gentleman’ do my business wouldn’t you say?”

Slutcat was momentarily at a loss for words.

“Now get out, you! This may not be high end Inn, but we’re not some sort of halfway house for furry hussies either!” Delphine said, and her surprisingly strong hands grabbed Slutcat unceremoniously and practically dragged her bodily to the door.

As the door swung open, Slutcat was glad to see Sworddog sitting watching outside.

“AND STAY OUT YOU WHORE!” Delphine screamed, ejecting Slutcat bodily as heads in the street turned. For the second time in as many minutes, her butt hit the floor. She stood up, mustering as much dignity as she could and pretended she had fallen on her ass intentionally as she walked down the stairs.

“I’m not a whore you bitch! I’m a slut! There’s a difference!”

Sworddog looked up at Slutcat.

“No big loss, it was a shitty Inn anyway. Probably had stale beer,” she said stalking out of Riverwood.

Sworddog said nothing as Slutcat sulked.

“So how was your fuck?” she finally said as they reached the edge of Riverwood. “Did your wolf lover hump the shit out of you?”

“Now now Slutcat. There’s no need to be vulgar.”

Slutcat sulked silently a little more as they crossed the bridge and headed towards Whiterun.

“If you’re really interested, he was an attentive and quite enthusiastic lover, thank you for asking,” Sworddog said.

Slutcat’s anger finally broke at that. “Dammit Sworddog, all I want is a little physical love! Is that so much to ask? Even my own dog scores more than me!”

“Well, there’s always the next town Slutcat. And I’m not your dog, but I appreciate the thought anyway.”

The Secret of Bleak Falls Barrow

Other than a couple of groups of bats that fluttered by ominously, nothing attacked them within and no traps were apparent. Nevertheless, Slutcat and Sworddog approached cautiously.

As she neared the raised platform that was obviously the center of attention in the wide open room, Slutcat was attracted by an inscription upon the wall towards the back that seemed to glow with an inner light.

“Slutcat? Slutcat be careful. That looks… odd,” Sworddog warned behind her, but she found she couldn’t help herself anyway. Something flowed out of the word inscribed there in odd letters and seemed to flow right into her mind directly.

“Slutcat? Are you alright?” Sworddog asked, growing alarmed at her lack of response.

The world grew blurry for her and Sworddog’s voice was almost inaudible as she approached the wall. She could not understand what was happening, but she did sense that, whatever it was, it was not doing her any harm. She was learning… something.

And then it was over. She had learned a Word of Power – whatever that meant. Sworddog was barking at her.

“Calm down Sworddog. I’m alright. I learned something. A Word of Power,” Slutcat said, calming the dog.

“You sure you’re alright? Everything went dark for a second and I saw something sort of flow into you.”

Slutcat nodded, “Yeah. Something. I know something now that I didn’t know before. But what it is, I can’t say. A word. Sort of a word anyway.”

Sworddog looked at her worriedly. “You know that makes no sense, right?”

“It does to me! Oh well, whatever it was, it’s passed now. At least there was no Level Boss. Now let’s get the goodies and get out of here!”

As if on cue, a stone moved aside from a sarcophagus on the platform and something began to climb out.

“You had to say it…” Sworddog lamented belatedly.

Slutcat readied her Sparks and decided not to wait for the thing to attack. Instead she walked straight for it.

“Come on Sworddog. Let’s see what we’re in for,” she said and stopped at the foot of the steps leading up to where the thing was climbing out of its coffin.

The battle itself, though extended, was really rather routine. Slutcat would throw her sparks at the thing, then back away before it could get too close with it’s huge two-handed sword. As it tried to close with her again, Sworddog would race by behind it and nip at it’s legs, but she was off again before it could pivot and bring the sword to bear on the canine. During that time Slutcat would again resume her spark attack. It took a while, but the thing was dumb and didn’t change it’s tactics.

Had her magic not ran out, there would have been no problem at all. But briefly she was unable to summon her sparks. She tried the Flame spell but it too failed.

“Try the blue potion!” Sworddog suggested, attracting the monster’s attention away from her.

She downed the potion and felt her magic restored partially. She had two more and she downed them as well. That brought her nearly back to full potential and she lit into the dead thing once again. Finally they finished it off. Other than being tired, neither was physically harmed.

Slutcat collapsed into a heap. “Whew! That was a workout!” she said between breaths.

“I’ll say, though I think we did pretty well. That thing was stronger than the rest, but no smarter,” Sworddog agreed.

Slutcat clambered back to her feet and looked through the monster’s inventory, but found only a weird tablet stone, but she stored it in her inventory anyway. Then she opened the big treasure chest. Inside she found some unusual weapons, gold and an interesting staff, but she was somewhat disappointed that none was going to make them rich.

“I suspect that ‘word’ you learned was the real treasure,” Sworddog suggested.

Slutcat sat atop the treasure chest, dejected. “Sure! And I have no idea what to do with it. Dammit this wasn’t worth the effort.”

“Well, let’s head back and get that claw back to Riverwood. That’ll get us some more money.”

“Yeah, I guess. Let’s see what’s up these stairs and then we’ll go,” Slutcat said as she climbed off the chest and headed up the stairs to the left of the main dais.

At the top of the stairs was a weird handle that Slutcat turned, which opened a secret door and the tunnel beyond.

“This will be the fast way out, so we don’t get bored backtracking all the way,” Sworddog said, turning to the camera, but Slutcat wasn’t in the mood for talking.

Finally the tunnel brightened and they saw that the exit out of the Barrow finally lay just ahead, and with the light Slutcat’s spirits rose.

They emerged into full daylight, near a pinnacle and the view was unequivocally gorgeous.

“Oh Sworddog,” Slutcat said, spreading her arms out wide and enjoying the sunlight. “It’s good to be alive! Isn’t this a glorious view?!”

“Slutcat, I may be a bitch, but I too appreciate the beauty of this place. And, I suppose, in a purely monkey sort of way, you are pretty too.”

Slutcat laughed. “Why yes. Yes I am. Good of you to notice!”

“And now… I really have to pee and this looks like a wonderful place for a waterfall!”

The dog laughed, “Sometimes you act more like a male dog than a female Khajiit, Slutcat!”

Author’s note – I PROMISE I don’t have a urine obsession! But whenever I put Slutcat in a scene, I think, “what would Slutcat do here?”. And this was so obvious, that I had to do it. And no, I didn’t do any post processing here, so no need to try and zoom in. Nothing to see here. Move along… Tsk Tsk Tsk.

The Golden Claw

Surprisingly, Slutcat got through without a scratch and there was indeed a chain mechanism on the far side that stopped the blades. However, try as she might, Sworddog was unable to discern any magical forces involved.

“Maybe they’re just really, really efficient?” Slutcat offered.

“Not likely with all of this dust around, and with technology of stone and metal. I’ve not even seen evidence of the use of anything like grease. No, it must be magical. It had better be!”

“Better be? Why?” Slutcat asked as they explored deeper into the Barrow.

“Because we rely on physics, Slutcat. Magic can do pretty much anything, but it’s a localized effect. But physics is universal. If physics breaks down, we could be sailing off into space at any minute!”

“I think we’re safe from that, Sworddog.”

“Wait. Do you smell that?” Sworddog stopped, sniffing the air.

“I think so. Kind of like gasoline?”

“Kerosene I’d say, or something similar. More stable than gasoline, but still flammable.”

“Is it bad to breathe?” Slutcat asked, noticing the scent – not overpowering but getting stronger.

“Not yet, I don’t think.”

“Shhh… there’s another one at the end of the next turn. But look at the floor. That’s got to be the kerosene,” Slutcat said, crawling to peer around the corner.

“Hey, I’ve got an idea…”

“What?”

“When I got this Spark spell, I noticed another that seems to be related to fire I think I could use.”

“Oh really! You thinking of setting off the kerosene and fry that beef jerky?”

“That’s exactly what I’m thinking.”

“Go for it, but be careful.”

Slutcat shifted her mind and two fireballs appeared at her hands. The beef jerky hadn’t stirred yet.

She crept a bit closer, then she saw the undead thing begin to move and raise it’s sword. She cast her flame spell at the floor and the hall light up like a bonfire. An overhead jug of the liquid burst in an explosion but the thing kept coming so she directed her flames directly at it rather than the floor.

Then Sworddog leaped into the flames in front of her unexpectedly. She doused her spell as quickly as possible, but not before the dog was enveloped in accidental flame.

“SWORDDOG! GET BACK!” she cried, though it was clearly too late.

The undead thing staggered and fell before Sworddog even reached it, but the flames died out quickly and Slutcat ran to the end of the hall where Sworddog was whimpering.

“Here, drink this,” Slutcat said, offering a health potion. She wasn’t sure if it would work for burns, but it was all she had to work with. Fortunately the dog was good as new in an instant, though they had only one vial of health potion left.

“Sworddog, are you okay? I’m sorry, I didn’t see you coming!”

“Hurt like a bitch, but I’m okay now. Say, maybe…”

“Don’t worry, no more flames. Sparks will have to do.” Slutcat agreed.

“And I promise I won’t jump in front of you without warning again. It hurts to burn!”

They continued on, finding more treasure and a hidden passage or two, but nothing really significant and the passageways always led back to the same main path. Finally they came a large, low hallway with an odd circular doorway on the far side. Slutcat approached cautiously.

An hour later, they were still there, flummoxed.

“Okay,” Sworddog said, sitting on her haunches. “What do we know?”

Slutcat sat rather ungracefully at the foot of the door. “The claw fits the holes perfectly, and I can turn it a little, so that must be the way it opens…”

“And the three circulular rings move…” Sworddog added.

“And there are three symbols on each. You’re the math wiz. How many combinations does that make? 9?” Slutcat guessed.

Sworddog corrected her. “Twenty seven. It’s not 3*3. It’s 3*3*3.”

“So we could brute force it. There are no traps set off if we get it wrong. But those things are damned hard to turn. Surely there’s a better way.”

Sworddog sighed, “The last place had symbols on the walls, but I don’t see anything here.”

“Neither do I. There’s got to be something though.”

“What about on the claw itself?” the dog offered.

“On the claw? Well yes, I suppose there might be. Let me check, though I’ll have to turn on the UI…”

They both looked at the camera.

“Don’t look,” Slutcat said to the audience. “This will break your immersion.” Then she turned on the UI and looked at the claw.

“That it! The Spider, Venus Butterfly, Horny Owl!” Slutcat cried, turning off the UI.

“That’s not a spider, that’s a…” Sworddog started, then stopped mid-sentence. Obviously Slutcat’s brain had cross wired the images. This would not be a good time to fix that. “Er… I mean, are those animals or sex positions?”

“Yes,” Slutcat said and got to work on moving the rings. Soon all were in place.

“I swear you bipeds have more sex positions than stars in the sky. No wonder you’re so obsessed.”

“Ready?” the Khajiit asked, ignoring Sworddog’s jibe as she finished the last ring and prepared to slide the Claw back in place.

“Always ready! Turn away!”

Suddenly the rings began to rotate on their own and the very rock under their feet began to shake. Then, slowly at first and with a fierce cloud of dust, the door slid downwards. It came to a shuddering stop and the world was silent again.

“Well, I guess this is it Sworddog. If we’re going to have to live in this god-forsaken age, I guess we’re going to have to learn how to handle situations like this. No doubt there’s a ‘Level Boss’ somewhere just ahead. There always is. I’m not sure if we’re up to it or not. But we’re going to try. If something goes wrong, I just want you to know that I forgive you for what happened with the WABAC machine. And I’ve never had a better time,” Slutcat said to her companion.

“That’s… very nice of you to say Slutcat. Very nice indeed. I’m sorry about all this, but at least we’re in this boat together. I’d rather not die down here though, so let’s not start eulogizing yet. But you should know I feel the same about you. Even if you are the horniest cat I’ve ever met.”

“Thank you Sworddog.”

“It is my pleasure Slutcat.”

And with that they crossed over the threshold and up the steps beyond.

The Walking Beef Jerky

“Okay. You’re a scientist, right?” Slutcat said to Sworddog, sitting beside one of the formerly animated dead corpses.

“Well, I used to be anyway. Yes.”

“Right. Well, please can you explain to me how a desiccated corpse like this can possibly move?”

“Um… magic?”

“Well yeah, certainly magic. I didn’t miss the glowing blue eyes. But really, feel this thing! It’s like beef jerky. Can you reanimate beef jerky?”

“Well, not me, no… but Slutcat, this is a world where you can hurl lightning like it’s natural. Allowances must be made.”

“Fucking beef jerky people. This place is nuts. No wonder Ralof looked at me funny.”

“There’s probably going to be worse than this too you know.”

“Yeah but, if you’re just going to say ‘Magic’ at everything, are there magic walking trees? Will the clouds come down and attack us? I mean, where’s the limit? You’re the scientist, tell me, exactly where is the limit?!?”

“Slutcat, I of all people understand your concern. But we can’t live by our old rules. This place obviously has it’s own set of rules and we’re going to have to play by them.”

Slutcat sat and looked at the thing beside her.

“Yeah, I guess… Sworddog, if I die here, would you incinerate my body? I don’t think I’d want to become one of these things.”

“Ooo! Do you think there are zombie dogs too?”

“You’re asking me?! I don’t think there should be zombie anythings. But yeah, I guess so. Probably, right?”

“Probably. And zombie squirrels.”

“Zombie minnows.”

“Zombie paramecium.”

Slutcat laughed, the sound echoing off the empty chambers. “Zombie paramecium! What would they do?”

Sworddog laughed along with her. It was a good sound in the lonely Barrow. “Probably the same thing as regular paramecium. There comes a point that there’s really not much difference.”

“Alright, alright,” Slutcat said, standing back up. Let’s get going and find this Arvel guy. He needs to assume room temperature. And watch out for dead parameciums.“

"Paramecia. Plural latin conjugation.”

“Oh, now you’re going to get pedantic with me? Don’t step on that obvious trap by the way. Good thing there’s only one path here or we’d have to actually worry about which way he went!”

Sworddog stepped around the terribly obvious pressure plate and followed her friend.

As they proceeded yet further into the Barrow, they ran across a few more of the Unlikely Dead. But now that they were watching for them, they were no more than a nuisance. But Sworddog was the first to pick up on an odd swooshing sound. Before long Slutcat heard it too. Then they turned a corner and saw a hallway in front of them. Three huge, deadly swinging blades were constantly in motion down the hallway and the body of Arvel the Swift lay in front of the first one.

“Not Swift enough it appears,” Sworddog noted.

“Dammit I wanted to kill him! Well, let’s see what he’s got on him,” Slutcat complained, then began rummaging through the pockets of the dead Arvel.

“Whoa! What have we here?” Slutcat said, drawing a heavy metallic object from the dead man’s pack. “I do believe this is the Golden Claw we’ve been looking for!”

“You found it? That’s wonderful! Now we can get out of here,” Sworddog barked.

“Hold on a second. There’s some sort of journal here. Let me read it…”

Slutcat sat and read the journal before looking up at Sworddog.

“It says this Claw is some sort of key to a door. Obviously Arvel thought it was quite a big deal. What do you think, do you want to continue on and see what it’s all about? We’ve not really seen too much we can’t handle down here, and he did mention treasure…”

But Sworddog wasn’t paying much attention. She was watching the blades continue to swoop back and forth. “Slutcat… what do you know about Perpetual Motion machines?”

“What?” said the Khajiit, then she followed the dog’s gaze. “All I know is that they are impossible.”

“Apparently not here!”

“Wait, this bothers you more than the Walking Beef Jerky?”

“Yes, Slutcat. Yes it does. I can see no lessening of the arc at all here. And other than the sound of the blades through the air, no evidence of any motivating energy either. Even if only slight, those blades should be slowing down. I would very much like to investigate this.”

“Well alright then. Onward we go!” Slutcat declared.

“Great. So… how do you propose we get through those?”

“Well, there’s more than enough room between each. If I time it right I can just step past each in order.”

“Fine for you – but I’ve got a tail to think about! If you recall that sword incident, I’ve already got it bandaged. I’d prefer to keep it in one piece.”

“Well, I’ll get through and see if there’s a way to stop it. Then you can come through. Sound good?”

Anger Management Issues

“Help me out of here!” called a stranger’s voice.

Slutcat turned around, trying to place where it had come from. Then she noticed a man in a deep mass of cobwebs just behind the bear.

“I’m sorry,” she said. “Were you talking to me?”

“You, over here!” the voice repeated. “Don’t leave me for Arkay’s sake!”

She casually strolled over to the man.

“I don’t know… what do you think Sworddog? I mean, we’ve not met a single person for the last day who didn’t want to kill us!”

“Well there was that guy who pulled the lever.”

“Yeah – but most likely he would have attacked us if he knew we were there.”

“Good point. Maybe we should just kill this guy too and see what he’s got?”

“Probably. He’s just another bandit after all. He just happens to need our help.”

“What’s your name anyway?” the Khajiit asked the man stuck in the web.

“Arvel the Swift. See, it says it right down there…”

“Yeah yeah yeah. Okay,” She relented, drawing an odd dagger from her inventory that she’d found on one of the dead bandits with the hilt of a naked woman on it.

“But I warn you, no funny business or Mabel here may cut more than just spider webs. We killed that giant bear and we can kill you too.”

“Giant… bear?”

Sworddog growled. “Shut your mouth if you know what’s good for you.”

“Well I can’t just let him hang there Sworddog. He talked to me!”

“Alright, but make sure to take any weapons off him first. He might attack the second you free him.”

“Good thinking…” Slutcat said, then after determining that he had no weapons, she cut Arvel from the webbing.

“Why should I share the treasure with anybody?!” he shouted and ran further into the depths.

Slutcat looked at Sworddog. “Treasure?”

Then Slutcat got angry. “Goddammit Sworddog, you do someone a favor and they cut you right out of their treasure. Well I’m tired of it. I’m going to kill that damned guy, just for being an ungrateful asshole. This is going too far.”

They continued further down into the Barrow, but they did not run. They stalked. Sworddog was just a little worried about Slutcat though. She didn’t act like this often, and the dog wondered if maybe her hypnosis might have had something to do with it. But there was no stopping Slutcat once she got her back up so she just followed dutifully. They entered one room with another soul gem prominently displayed, but Slutcat nearly stalked right past it till Sworddog pointed it out.

“Hey! Slutcat. There’s another one of those gems. Aren’t you going to take it?” she pointed out.

“Huh? Oh! Oh sorry Sworddog. Certainly! This one is even bigger than the last! Thanks!”

“Slutcat, are you okay? I know you’re pissed at that Arvel guy, but it’s not like you to miss a bauble like this.”

“I know. I’m sorry Sworddog. This place is just getting to me. All the killing and everything, then I probably save this guy’s life and he runs off. It just pisses me off.”

“Well, okay. Just… keep your wits about you, okay?”

“I will. Thanks. But I’m going to kill this guy, I swear.”

Finally they began to pass actual corpses. They were just getting to an obvious trap when two of those bodies crawled out from their alcoves and attacked. Sworddog wasted no time and began fighting back but Slutcat simply refused.

“No. No no no. That makes no sense. That makes no sense at all. Dead bodies can’t move. It’s inherent in the concept. Even I know that.” she said while Sworddog was under attack from both sides.

“Could use a little help here!” she pleaded.

“Oh, alright but we need to have a serious discussion when this is over,” Slutcat said, pulling out her Sparks.

Your Greatest Bear

The dog licked her face and Slutcat recovered somewhat.

“Okay, okay. Get off my face!” she said, pushing the dog away.

“You know, we don’t have to be adventurers! We can go back to Riverwood. I can get a job working with the blacksmith! There’s no rule that says people from the future can’t just live normal lives you know!”

Sworddog just sat and looked at her before she replied.

“Hypnotism.”

“What?”

“Hypnotism. Before I started studying quantum mechanics back home when I was a pup I dabbled with, shall we say, less SCIENTIFIC methods. I became quite skilled at hypnotism. Let’s give that a try before we settle down to live lives of quiet desperation, okay?”

“Well, you can try. But I can’t be hypnotized. I think I’m immune,” Slutcat said.

Sworddog snorted, but turned around, her tail to the cat.

“Just watch the tip of my tail,” she said. “You’re getting sleepy…”

“It won’t work I tell you… watching your ass wiggle. What kind of hypnotism method is that anyway?”

“The tail, Slutcat. Watch my tail. Besides, what do you think I’ve been doing every minute we’ve been here behind you!”

“Yeah, but my ass looks sweeeeet. Your’s looks like a dog’s ass.”

“You’re getting sleepy…”

“…nasty ass tail…”

“Sleepy…”

And then she was out…

“Now, Slutcat. In a minute I’m going to bark. When I do, you’ll be just like yourself again. However, you won’t see any spiders. ANY spiders.”

“No spiders…”

“No. You’ll see… bears. Whenever you think you see a spider, you’ll see a bear instead.”

“Bear. No spiders…”

“That’s right. Bears are dangerous too, so you’ll still have to fight them. But they won’t be spiders. They’ll be bears.”

“Bear. No spiders…” Slutcat repeated.

And then Sworddog barked.

“Slutcat? How are you feeling?”

“Never better! What are we waiting for? Let’s go find that claw!”

Sworddog barked his approval and they were back down the trail. From experience, Sworddog knew it was best not to ask too many questions. Let Slutcat’s brain make the proper connections in it’s own time.

And then they were back. The spider had returned to it’s lair high above when they reentered, but when it dropped down this time, Slutcat saw it in a whole new light. With her help and both working together, they were able to take it down quickly. However, Sworddog was somewhat worried when Slutcat walked up to the spider and started stroking it’s fur…

“Poor thing. Too bad they’re so aggressive. Their fur is so soft and warm. I wish I could keep one as a pet…”

Sworddog was becoming uncomfortable herself. "Um… Slutcat… Maybe we’d better move on, don’t you think.“

"Do you think we should skin it? Take it’s pelt?”

“I… don’t think it’s pelt would be worth much Slutcat.”

“But it’s so soft and fluffy!”

When the khajiit knelt down beside the dead spider and gave it a tender hug, Sworddog had had enough. “Slutcat. That’s enough. Let’s go. I insist.”

“Well, okaaaay….”

Your Greatest Fear

Just a few steps further into the Barrow, Slutcat came upon an odd crystal that seemed to be glowing from within.

“Sworddog, what do you make of this?” she asked, not quite sure if she should touch it or not.

“Slutcat, you are by nature attracted to shiny things. This looks like it’s custom made to be a trap for you.”

“I don’t care, I’m taking it,” she decided and boldy snatched the crystal and put it into her inventory. When nothing happened she sneered back at Sworddog.

“There, see! What do you think it is?”

“It’s a lesser soul gem,” Sworddog stated with authority.

“Oh! How do you know that?”

“It says it on the label.”

“Oh. Well what’s that do then?”

“Not a clue. Let’s go on.”

Next they came upon an odd spiral wooden staircase leading down. Slutcat crawled to the edge to see what was below and how far down it went.

“They really need to learn the concept of the hand rail here,” she said as she peered down. “It goes pretty far down.”

“I think you’re afraid of heights.”

“I’m not afraid of heights. I’m afraid of far away floors,” Slutcat said, but then her ears pricked up and she shushed Sworddog. “Shh! Do you hear that?”

“Slutcat, I can hear your heartbeat. To what sound do you refer?” Sworddog asked softly.

Slutcat crawled back to the edge to listen. “Something’s down there. Something… scruffling.”

“Scruffling?”

“Well, I don’t know how to describe it!”

“Rats.”

“You think?”

“Sounds like it. Big ones. Better get your spell ready again.”

“HOLY SHIT! Those are some big-ass rats!” Slutcat screamed when three came up the stairs at them.

“They are certainly rodents of unusual size, and aggressive too!,” Sworddog agreed after Slutcat had taken care of them. “Sorry I couldn’t help more. I was stuck behind you. Have you been bit? They could be poisonous.”

“No. Eww. I don’t even want to think what they must eat down here,” Slutcat winced as she stepped over the bodies.

“Nor I. Let’s just not think about that.”

“Uh oh…” Slutcat said, standing at the door at the bottom of the staircase.

“Now Slutcat. Just because there’s some cobwebs doesn’t imply the presence of giant spiders.”

Sworddog amended as she stepped closer into the next room, “Necessarily…”

They crept into the room, both darting glances to all the corners, though they saw no actual spiders – not even the little kind.

“Oh!” Slutcat said, cheering up. “There’s something behind these cobwebs…”

Sure enough a large chest was hidden behind a mass of cobwebs. Within was some gold and another small blue potion. Slutcat stuffed them into her inventory.

And then they saw it. Descending abnormally quickly from a recess in the roof far above, the Mother of all giant spiders.

“Oh my! That thing’s so big it probably has a name!” Sworddog said, momentarily stunned herself by the sheer size of the beast.

But it’s size belied its speed and before she knew it Sworddog was dodging between it’s claws and fangs, unable to get so much as a bite in without being skewered by it’s nasty prongs. Then she realized that Slutcat was nowhere to be seen. She feigned a move one way and then ran as fast as she could back the way they’d come. Behind her she saw the spider apparently unable to get through the door and she breathed a sigh of relief.

“Slutcat? Slutcat?” she called, ignoring the skittering and scraping from behind her as the monster tried to squeeze it’s body through the door in vain.

Sworddog backtracked all the way to the stairs before he found her huddled underneath them and shivering.

“Slutcat? Slutcat, I can’t take on that thing alone. I need your help!”

The Khajiit turned to face the dog as best she could, trembling in every muscle. As she spoke, her teeth actually chattered.

“Sworddog… I… You don’t understand. It’s all I can do to keep from committing suicide, knowing that I live in a universe where that thing can exist.”

Author’s Note: You can go here to read the next. They kinda go together but it was too long for a single post:

https://slutcatandsworddog.tumblr.com/private/167091038008/tumblr_oyus5pWLsu1wendcx

I’ll post it normally later.

The Great Barrow Architects

Fortunately the spiderwebs lightened up, and then Slutcat made a discovery.

“HEY! There’s gold in this urn! Quick! Look in every urn around!”

“Slutcat, that’s going to take forever. Let’s just find this golden claw thing and get out, okay?”

“Well… I might spot check a few more anyway…” she said, not wanting to leave gold laying around behind them.

“SHHH!” Sworddog hissed. “Do you hear that? There’s someone up ahead.”

“But you said… the cobwebs!”

“Very very industrious spiders I guess?”

Slutcat and Sworddog crept silently towards an open door where a man was talking to himself, yet as they approached the doorway, he seemed to make a decision and pulled a large lever situated squarely in the middle of the room ahead.

“What’s he doing?” whispered Slutcat.

“I think he’s trying to open that gate beyond,” Sworddog whispered back.

Suddenly the sound of arrows filled the room ahead and the man was dead.

“Okaaaay. Let’s not pull any levers we don’t know about,” Slutcat decided, staring at the body of the man just ahead.

“Well, there’s got to be some way to get that gate open.”

“But my inverse-proportionality armor doesn’t stop arrows.”

“Maybe we can disarm the trap somehow…” Sworddog mused as he and Slutcat looked around the room.

“What’s up there?” Slutcat said, noticing some stairs that led up to a balcony of sorts.

“A lot of nothing,” Sworddog sniffed.

“Hold on a minute… these carvings. They’re like those little dildos downstairs.”

“Right? And your point is?”

“Well… I don’t know. Let me think…”

“So,” Slutcat mused, “Upstairs there are three carvings. Tentacle, Tentacle, Slippery Eel.”

“I only saw two upstairs. A snake and a fish.”

“But one has fallen down. See, this would have been a Tentacle when it was up there.”

“Why do you call it a Tentacle? It’s obviously a snake.”

“Tentacle. And that’s a Slippery Eel. You see what you want, I’ll see what I want.”

She stood up and walked over to one of the little pillar things.

“And here we have three more… OH! Hey! It turns!”

“Now that’s interesting. Say… you don’t suppose…”

Slutcat sat back down. “No. It can’t be that simple. Someone with the technology to create such a complex trap system wouldn’t do all that then paste the combination to the lock in bold statues right overhead. No, we must still be missing something.”

Minutes went by, but neither had any new ideas. Finally, Slutcat stood up, stretched her legs and began turning the pillars till they matched the statues overhead.

“Well hell. I don’t have any other ideas!” she said.

“To be honest, that dead guy did just stand there after he pulled the lever. Let’s run away as soon as we pull it how about? I doubt the trap arrows can follow us around the room after all!”

“That,” Sworddog agreed, “is a very good idea.”

Slutcat positioned herself ready pull the lever and run.

“Ready?” she asked the dog.

“Ready!” barked Sworddog.